We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

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My dad wants to get back into my life as an adult and it’s stressing me out. He was never an active/present father when we were children but he wants us to be close now. I know I shouldn’t hold a grudge and practice forgiveness here, I know it’s the right thing to do but it hurts to be around him. I resent him for being neglectful and not being the father I needed. He acts like he was the perfect father and refuses to acknowledge or accept the hurt he has caused me whenever I try to have a heart to heart with him. A few years ago, after much consideration, I started therapy and decided to distance myself from him for my own mental health. The dilemma I’m in now is that I’ll need to get back in contact with him because I’ll be getting married soon. Please can you advise me on how I can set healthy boundaries? I’m worried that he would make me feel guilty for distancing myself, I don’t want him to have access to me because he will feel entitled to my time and my money.

Maya Areem Responds:

Asalamu Alaykum,

I am deeply sorry to hear about your struggles. It is indeed a challenging position to be in, balancing the desire to heal while dealing with feelings of resentment, pain and guilt over not wanting to reconnect with a father who has been absent. May Allah (SWT) recompense and relieve you of your pain, and reward you abundantly. May He (SWT) also guide your father, who has indeed failed in his obligations by neglecting his children, particularly when you were vulnerable and in need of care.

It is completely natural to feel hurt when a parent fails to provide the care and protection every child deserves. I understand that it can be even more painful and frustrating when this parent refuses to take responsibility for their behaviour, which has actively caused you trauma. It must have taken a lot of courage to confront him, and it’s understandable that it hurt more when your father refused to acknowledge the harm he caused.

It is wonderful that you have seeked therapy in order to deal with this trauma. Continue with your therapy and seek additional support if needed. A therapist can offer guidance on managing your feelings and reinforcing your boundaries. It might be helpful to reconnect gradually, starting with small, manageable interactions and assessing how they affect you. This approach can help you maintain your boundaries while slowly rebuilding the relationship.

I understand that it is not easy to know how to set healthy boundaries while maintaining respect. Try to reflect on what boundaries are necessary for your mental health, such as limiting the frequency of contact, setting clear expectations about financial matters, and avoiding sensitive topics. It’s important to define these boundaries clearly for yourself first, so you can communicate them effectively. Writing them down before talking to him might help you stay focused on your needs and communicate them properly without being overwhelmed with feelings of resentment. 

Even though your father has neglected his duties, Islam teaches us to treat our parents with kindness and respect as much as possible. However, this kindness should not come at the expense of your mental health or well-being. It is important to maintain a balance where you respect him while also protecting yourself from potential harm. 

Make the intention to uphold the ties of kinship with your father only for the sake of Allah (SWT) and seek reward from Him (SWT) for enduring the pain caused by your father’s neglect. 

‘Abdullah bin ‘Amr Al-‘as (May Allah be pleased with them) reported:

The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “The person who perfectly maintains the ties of kinship is not the one who does it because he gets recompensed by his relatives (for being kind and good to them), but the one who truly maintains the bonds of kinship is the one who persists in doing so even though the latter has severed the ties of kinship with him”. (Al-Bukhari)

Upholding ties does not mean that you have to include your father in every aspect of your life. It can simply mean that you maintain respectful contact from a distance and do not reciprocate any mistreatment. You have done the right thing by distancing yourself from your father, and I encourage you to remain respectful and choose silence over talking back. Your silence is a form of respect. 

When considering boundaries, especially for a significant occasion like a wedding, it might help to think about the different scenarios that may arise and how you want them handled. For example, on the wedding day, you could designate a trusted person to interact with your father on your behalf. This person can ensure that your boundaries are respected and that you have the day you envision.

Consider how you want your father to show up during pre- and post-wedding celebrations? Do you want him to be present but maintain a certain distance? Or would you prefer minimal interaction? Outline these expectations clearly to avoid any misunderstandings. Additionally, if you’re feeling uneasy about directly communicating these boundaries to your father, you might ask another family member who understands the impact of his actions on you to extend the wedding invitation. This person can also help set the tone for how your father should interact with you, serving as a buffer if needed.

When you’re ready to reconnect with your father, you might say, “I want to work on our relationship, but I need to set some boundaries to ensure my well-being. Here is what I need you to do during my wedding for me to be comfortable moving forward.” This approach acknowledges your need for space while showing respect for the relationship. Be prepared for emotional responses from your father, and remember that his feelings are his own responsibility. Your primary focus should be on maintaining your boundaries and not succumbing to guilt.

Always remember that you deserve to be happy. Be proud of who you are, take good care of yourself, and cherish the relationships that truly matter. By doing so, you ensure that the pain and betrayal of the past do not dictate your future.

May Allah (SWT) ease your path and grant you strength and patience.

Love + Duas,

Aunt Maya

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If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.