We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

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Salam. I got married 2 years ago. We are still in our struggling phase living paycheck to paycheck. My husband wants us to try for kids but I am unsure about having children due to finances. Please help.

Maya Areem responds:

Asalamu Alaykum

Thank you for reaching out. It’s completely understandable to feel uncertain about bringing children into the world when finances are tight. This is a significant decision, and your apprehension shows that you are thoughtfully considering the wellbeing of your future family.

In our deen, children are considered a blessing and a source of joy and reward. However, it’s also important to balance this with practical considerations and your current circumstances as the wellbeing of a child is determined by  the mental and physical wellbeing of their parents. Becoming a parent is a huge responsibility that you should undertake when you are mentally prepared for it. Your thinking also shows a level of maturity of assessing your situation before taking on such a life changing responsibility.

Trust in Allah’s Provision

It is important to remember that Allah (SWT) is Ar-Razzaq (The Provider), and He promises to provide for every living being. Allah (SWT) says in the Qur’an,

“How many are the creatures that cannot secure their provisions! ˹It is˺ Allah ˹Who˺ provides for them and you ˹as well˺. He is indeed the All-Hearing, All-Knowing.” (Surah Al-’Ankabut 29:60)

Perhaps it is our trust in Allah (SWT) being Ar Razzaq is most tested when we cannot see a way through. Allah (SWT) also acknowledges that sometimes we may worry and feel doubtful about our provision and in Surah Talaq says: 

“And whoever is mindful of Allah, He will make a way out for them,

and provide for them from sources they could never imagine. And whoever puts their trust in Allah, then He ˹alone˺ is sufficient for them. Certainly Allah achieves His Will. Allah has already set a destiny for everything.” (Surah At-Talaq 65:2-3)

This is a reminder that while we strive and plan, ultimately sustenance is in Allah (SWT)’s hands. Many families have found that their provisions increase with the arrival of a new child, as they bring their own rizq (sustenance) with them. If this is something you really want for both of you, then truly turn to Allah (SWT) with your worries, for He is capable of changing a situation within a moment. 

However, it is also important to acknowledge that your concerns are all valid . The current economic climate is  hard and many people are struggling to survive. 

I would advise you to have an open and honest conversation with your husband about your concerns. Many people do not realise that sometimes during pregnancy the mother’s health and ability to maintain a job becomes unpredictable, which can cause financial and mental strain. Therefore, it is always a good idea to have an emergency fund or safety net saved up before embarking on this journey. 

It is also important to understand that while this preparation can help reduce your financial stress and relieve your concerns that are bound to arise from a tight budget, it will require time, patience and extra work on both of your part.

Set aside a day to discuss your financial situation, your goals and your fears in a calm and positive manner, which can help both of you understand each other’s perspectives better. Perhaps you can plan together to improve your financial stability before trying for children, setting realistic goals and timelines. Discuss ways you can enhance your earnings, either through applying for new jobs that can hopefully offer a higher pay or additional means of income that can help you save a few extra pounds every week.

While trusting in Allah (SWT)  is essential, Islam also encourages us to take practical steps. Here are a few suggestions:

Budgeting

Create a detailed budget to be able to put numbers to the fears you have and talk them through with your husband. This can help you save and plan for future needs.

Make a list of potential expenses that may arise after the baby is born to understand what to consider when budgeting. For example:

• Once your baby is born, their aftercare will depend on the length and nature of your maternity leave. Check the policy at your work: will your leave be paid or unpaid?
• Based on that information, can you survive on a single income while you recuperate after birth?
• How can you budget for various things the baby may need (planned and unplanned)
• Can you afford daycare/nursery fees once you go back to work?

These are a few examples of questions you can pose to your husband to help him see the broader picture. Explain to him that these concerns affect your mental wellbeing when thinking about having children and need to be addressed beforehand. Perhaps meet him halfway and suggest setting a timeline to save a certain amount of money specifically for the baby, ensuring it won’t eat into your regular day-to-day living expenses or your emergency fund. 

Remember that stress and worry are natural, but it’s important to maintain your emotional and spiritual wellbeing. Engage in regular prayer and dhikr, and seek solace in your connection with Allah (SWT). This can provide immense peace and clarity.

You can also consider reaching out to your friends with children for support. Sometimes, discussing your concerns with trusted family members or friends who have gone through a similar journey can provide new insights and solutions. There may also be community resources available to help families in need.

Ultimately, the decision to have children is a deeply personal one and should be made with mutual understanding and trust between you and your husband. The timing of when we have children is ultimately in Allah (SWT)’s hands, and we can plan and prepare, but He (SWT) decides for us He (SWT) will also provide for us. 

Take the time to weigh your options, seek guidance from Allah (SWT) through istikhara, and trust that whatever decision you make, Allah (SWT)’s plan for you is the best.

May Allah (SWT) bless you and your husband with wisdom, patience, and ease in your journey.

With love and duas,

Aunt Maya

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If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.