We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

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Salam Aunt Maya. I live in a house with six adults: me, my husband, my brother-in-law, his wife, my mother-in-law and father-in-law. We all work and pay the mortgage, and everyone’s name is on the house deed. Recently, my mother-in-law said she’s not going to contribute to the mortgage or bills anymore because she needs to save for her retirement. She said her sons should cover her share. With the current inflation, this has put a huge strain on my husband and me. Now, my entire salary is going towards the mortgage and bills, and we can’t save anything. I’m really stressed out and don’t know what to do. It feels unfair that we have to take on this extra burden without any discussion. How can I talk to my mother-in-law and the rest of the family about finding a better solution? Any tips on managing finances in a big household?

Maya Areem responds:

Asalamu alaykum,

I hope you are well inshaAllah.

Thank you for writing to us. Living in a large multigenerational household can indeed present unique challenges, especially when it comes to finances. It’s important to address these issues with care and sensitivity to maintain peace in your home.

As a married couple, this should be a challenge and conversation that is tackled as a unit with your husband. I would encourage you to communicate to your husband beforehand that the current financial situation is taking a toll on your mental health and that you would like to have a discussion with the rest of the family on how to manage finances as well as expectations. Gently remind him that it makes financial sense for everyone to be able to save and put aside some money, and not just your mother-in-law. Explain to him that allocating even a small amount towards savings each month can help provide a cushion for emergencies and reduce your mental stress. 

Some may even say that this is a matter for him to deal with with his parents,as it can put a strain on your relationship with your in-laws. As your husband and the provider Islamically, he should take this on as it is not your load alone to bear.

Conversations around finances, money and personal relationships can get emotional and heated. It could be worth sitting down with your husband to draw up a clear picture on income, expenses, contributions and what you both feel is deemed as fair and reasonable to then speak to your in-laws about it as this will help you present a clear picture during the discussion. Additionally, think of potential solutions beforehand, such as ways to redistribute financial responsibilities or cost-saving measures that everyone can agree on. 

Find a time when everyone is available and not rushed. Choose a calm and private setting where you can discuss without interruptions. Start by expressing how the situation is affecting you and your husband without placing blame. Use “I” statements to focus on your feelings and experiences. For example, you might say, “I feel really stressed because my entire salary is going towards the mortgage and bills, and we can’t save anything.”

Next, seek to understand your mother-in-law’s perspective. Ask her about her reasons and plans for retirement. Showing empathy can open up a more constructive dialogue. Additionally, acknowledge the cultural norm where sons are expected to take care of their parents, but also express the financial strain it places on you and your husband. Instead of presenting your ideas as the only solutions, ask for input from everyone. For instance, you could say, “How can we all work together to make sure the mortgage and bills are manageable for everyone?” Suggest other ways your in-laws can contribute, perhaps taking up a grocery bill that can provide some relief for you?

You can also consider opening one bank account where everyone can deposit their contribution at the beginning of the month and using it to pay all bills and utilities. This will help increase transparency and help with future communication. Creating a detailed budget that outlines all income and expenses can help everyone see where the money is going and identify areas where you can cut costs. Divide household expenses fairly based on each person’s income and ability to contribute, and be prepared to adjust this as circumstances change.

Once you reach a consensus, it’s important to put the agreement in writing. This helps avoid future misunderstandings and ensures everyone is on the same page. Managing finances is a tough task as intergenerational households sometimes struggle with communicating needs and burdens, and without regular communication small matters can build up causing resentment and bitterness. Plan regular family meetings to discuss finances and adjust contributions as needed. This keeps the communication open and allows you to address any issues promptly. This can also help in ensuring everyone has an active role in joint family finances without putting the burden of managing and communicating on one person. This collaborative approach can help everyone feel heard and valued.

Effective communication and mutual respect are key to resolving financial issues in a shared household. By working together and being open to compromise, you can find a solution that works for everyone. 

May Allah (SWT) grant barakah in your provision and ease your affairs. Ameen

Love + Duas

Aunt Maya

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If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.