Three kids, a sink full of dishes, grains of rice and lego all over the floor,  piles of laundry to fold and hair scrunched up like a birds nest. It doesn’t exactly get you in the mood for sex? Along with that, your boobs have been tugged all day through breast feeding and let’s be real, do you really want to do ghusl in the middle of the night whilst your already waking to feed and change baby? I’d rather a nights sleep then get in the mood or sex with my significant other who seems to need as much attention as my kids!

It’s hard being a mother and remembering you’re a wife too was a thought that entered my mind after a day void of time for myself.

Admittedly sometimes I forgot that I hold more than one role, motherhood can be so overwhelmingly and often the most dominating role in your life. Whilst it’s pretty important for your husband to understand there’s a new person and the kid’s needs may come first at times. Both of us have to do our best at maintaining and improving the bond of marriage, it isn’t easy. Our dynamic has changed since the kids and we’ve had to work on rekindling romance and well, he isn’t number one and neither am I sometimes. Reading this article below about my identity as a woman who is also a mother has helped me appreciate the many roles I hold.

Motherhood Does Not Mean Losing Autonomy Over Your Identity Just Upgrading It; “My Child Is the Light of My Life, but She Isn’t My Life.

You still love him

After having my first child, my boobs leaked milk ALOT, there’s no other way to say this but every time my husband and I would get intimate, I’d have to jump for breast pads mid foreplay or make sure my bra stayed on for the whole experience…leakage was an issue for a while and it definately was a surprise when it happened the first time, after a couple of kids you know what to expect! No one tells you these things when you have a baby. I knew that sex and intimacy, which are two different things, were important for him and in fact me but I just wasn’t feeling sex. As I passively scrolled through the various Facebook groups I noticed something…the amount of women that were having the same problems. One thing I realised through observation is everyone spoke about not being in the mood for sex or even having the energy for it and it validated that it is normal to feel this way, I felt a little relief too. It doesn’t mean my love for my husband is affected it just means we have to try different things and understand what love mean to both of us as well as look at ways to connect outside of sex, I mean we gave up hand holding years ago but when he does hold my hand occasionally I feel loved and it’s something I’ve shared so if we are in the park with the kids, we can still connect and build towards a secure relationship. Finding out what our love language was has also helped us recognise that we can continue to show our love through many ways.

I realised we were jumping from having pushed out a child to trying to go and reclaim our ‘bedroom aliases’.

You realise life is not a movie, your body doesn’t just ‘spring back’ and postpartum depression can happen. I decided to take some control of the situation and my body as it was affecting my mood and overall approach to life. I decided to talk to my husband about how I was feeling and understand how he felt too. For first-time parents, it can be difficult navigating your relationship and parenthood. We were both tired and very much loved each other and frankly missed sex, even though I wasn’t in the mood. Intimacy was also at an all-time low, we lived more like house-mates than a couple and it’s also ok to have moments in your relationship where things aren’t as dynamic, it just means your focus is on building the family…

Things changed for us positively and I wanted to share a few things we did which led to us having a better sex life again and also family life.

Communication

One observation from the Facebook groups is often when sisters were posting problems, they hadn’t actually spoken to their husband about how they were feeling, instead, they were turning to complete strangers who would give advice based on their own setup and lives which itself is problematic. Facebook is a great place for discussion but

…some things need to be tackled at home first before hitting the streets of Facebook.

If you are struggling to feel sexy and get intimate and I mean a hug or peck on the cheek, talk to your husband. If you are tired talk to your husband. If you are teary all the time talk to your husband. You are a team and team members need to talk to one another. Explain that your body has changed and how that makes you feel, even talk about your boobs, boobs need ‘me’ time too. More often than not, they will understand and a respectful partner will give you the space you need as well as work through whatever you are going through with you. The conversations alone may actually bring you closer together. Your spouse is also probably going through his own changes in navigating father and husband hood. Creating a safe space to both speak and be vulnerable is important if not vital.

Busy? Set time aside every week and be unapologetic about it. Set a time to ask and talk about how you both are. Whether it’s getting the kids to bed early or asking family or friends to look after them, do it.

When was the last time you asked your spouse ‘How are you’?

Contraception

A big part of not wanting to get intimate was this anxiety that I would fall pregnant again and that was not a consideration after baby number three. I would get really nervous in the last moments of sex which would result in me wanting to avoid intimacy as it scared the living daylights out of me. I would stay paranoid all the way up to my period and occasionally buy a pregnancy test just for reassurance. It is not a way to live, trust me!

Contraception can help you feel a little more relaxed during sex and there are lots of options available now. Speak to your local GP and women you know. Facebook groups are actually great for these discussions to be fair. If you are not ready to take contraception then getting a period app may help, it will help you understand when you are ovulating and when the chances of getting pregnant are low. (Disclaimer: If you still get pregnant it’s not my fault.) The App has also hugely helped me understand my body and understand why and when I may be feeling a little more emotional or tired.

Diet & Libido

A lack of essential vitamins and minerals can have you feeling extra tired and almost lethargic. If you feel you are really drained of energy then do get a blood test, it could unearth a few deficiencies or just signal it’s time to have a look at your diet. One piece of advice I would give to all women is it may be worth checking both Iron and Vitamin D levels too which can account for a lack of energy or low moods.

What to eat to increase libido in women, remember for men this is different: We’ve all heard about Oysters, I haven’t tried this but why not give these foods a try, hopefully, the experience brings you closer together!

• Bananas and Figs are known to increase blood flow to vital areas and are known to be aphrodisiacs
• Broccoli is a great source of both protein and Vitamin C and is known to increase Libido
• Chocolate releases serotonin and is also classified as an aphrodisiac

Pamper Yourself Woman

After having a baby, understandably I lived in t-shirts and leggings at home. My long hair that once touched my hips never saw the light of day. I’d have it piled high in a bun day in day out and rarely take it out. I’d put on a little weight so I stopped dressing up but this impacted my confidence in and out the home.

After a long hiatus, I decided to go and get a pedicure and get my hair done. I added some colour to my locks and after a long conversation with the hairdresser, I decided to start pampering myself a bit more each month. I don’t always go and get my nails done but I will treat myself to a face mask, a bath with essential oils and even brush my hair once in a while and wear it down. Whilst my husband appreciates it, it was important for me to feel confident.

Proximity

We have this false notion that we can go from 4 or more weeks of the postpartum bleed straight to sex, for most people, it just doesn’t work like that or at least it didn’t for me. We eased into what I call proximity to each other.

I decided to kiss my husband when he returned from work as oppose to scowl at him and hand him the kids, followed by ‘I’m just going to the toilet‘. I’d make eye contact when I said Salaam and his face would light up. Sometimes the small things make all the difference.

If being in close proximity is too much then there are ways to be affectionate and loving without contact. More eye contact when talking is a huge start. Leaving post-it notes around the house or buying each other little gifts can really help too. We were tight for money so set the £1 challenge which meant every month we had to get each other a small gift, the first month he got me a bottle with one of my favourite poems written on a piece of paper. Small but the gesture was huge.

Leave

Wave bye to your kids and husband once in a while. Whether it’s a coffee and a book or dinner with a friend, we all need some down time and when you do have alone time at home, resist the temptation to clean! I’ve noticed this too. The moment we have free time it turns into a mini spring clean, this is not relaxing or doing ‘me time’.

I hope that these tips will help you on the road to a healthier relationship overall with yourself and partner. I wish you many romantic nights ahead! Oh and remember you don’t always have to confine sex to the night time or the bedroom either…