“It takes a village to raise a child.”

In the past few years, mothers and their circles, have reclaimed this passive advice into an active answer: “I am the village.”

While this whispered mantra may empower a struggling mother, it has morphed into a rallying cry for the rest of us. We might have seen the mother in our circle juggle doctor’s appointments and diaper changes, feedings and finances, sleepless nights and long days. We might quietly mourn that she wasn’t allowed extensive parental leave, family and friends weren’t nearby to help her, or that her motherhood is entirely without a partner. She could be balancing a marriage, widowhood, divorce, a career, school, and more, not to mention, her own well-being. “How am I going to do this?” she might ask herself.

And we’ve responded wholeheartedly. Organising MealTrains, sending along care packages, or even writing a gift card are just small ways that we’ve given without expectation. But while these actions are appreciated, they are only sustainable for the short-term of motherhood.

So what of the long-term? I spoke with single mothers, first-time mothers, and mothers of more than one who shared how we, as aunts, sisters, neighbours, classmates, coworkers, and friends can be the village.

1. Being “The Village” can mean just being there

One of the most daunting things about motherhood is that a child, especially a young one, requires constant attention. Tasks like grocery shopping, tidying up, and cooking are now joint acts. A baby has to be put in a high chair, or a car seat, or monitored fully by someone else.

Anse, a childless woman, uses this method, “How can I be an extra set of hands, eyes, or just a body?” 

There are many answers, especially when there’s also more than one child. If a mother has to go to the store or an appointment, she has to bring her children as well. Dropping other children off at school or at extracurricular events becomes so much more time-consuming. Going out to eat or to see a movie can also be difficult.

By being the mother’s extension of herself, Anse has stayed with the child at home or in the car while the mother went inside. Running errands on the mother’s behalf is also something that she recommends.

“The next time you’re out shopping, you can give the mother a call or text (whichever is more preferable), and say, ‘Hey, I’m at [Store Name], do you need anything?’” Baby supplies run out quickly, not to mention other household items.

“Beyond safety reasons, young children can also be entertained or socialised with,” Anse writes. By playing with the children, the mother can also get work done around the house, or focus on her other guests if she’s hosting a party. Even something as uneventful as taking a child to the bathroom or changing their diaper will give a mother cause for celebration.

It’s also important for children to have intergenerational interaction. With grandparents, uncles, and aunts, children learn important social skills. Things like learning to be responsible, engaging with people from diverse backgrounds, cultivating new perspectives, and being gracious to others outside of their normal circle are just a few things that they might discover with you there alongside them.

Musfira also shared, “If I had a villager, I would leave my child with them at least one evening a week to go for a date night with my husband. Even though our child goes to a full-time daycare, my husband and I both work too during those hours; and cannot afford to pay for more childcare in the evenings.”

Never underestimate the power of a day in or an evening out, as it has a rejuvenating effect on one of the most demanding jobs in the world: motherhood.

2. Supporting a mother goes beyond supporting the child

Motherhood changes a woman in many ways—including the relationships she already has. Making plans or even going out at certain times can be difficult and isolating. But your friendship or sisterhood shouldn’t have to suffer. Think of activities the two of you did together before the baby, and see how you can adjust after.

My friend and I loved going out for coffee and treats before she was a mother. After her daughter was born, despite how busy she was, I offered her the same opportunity with her tiny plus one. Only a few things changed after that; her husband strapped their daughter in my car’s backseat, she and I met at a time that worked well for her child’s sleeping schedule, and I would hold the little one as my friend got a minute to breathe. 

Even when a mother might be raising a girl, she shouldn’t have to deprive herself of girl dates! The mother in your circle likely misses the things she used to be able to do before she got busy with motherhood. Perhaps, even more than you do. And sometimes, gatherings between the two of you can be more simple. When I had another friend stay over for a wedding in town, she brought her infant with her. Dining in with takeout was just as fun as going out, and we didn’t have to overstimulate the baby for our own comfort.

Mothers also struggle with “cabin fever” and may just want to talk to another adult. A call, with video or audio, can also help her stave away any isolation she might feel. This also gives you some time to see the baby in a controlled and quiet setting, rather than her or you making a separate visit.

“What I needed with each of my children was help for me,” Hajar told me. “People often forgot that my older children also needed care, as well as my household, while I was trying to take care of the baby.” She would’ve welcomed visitors to take her other children playing, or take care of her living space. The first few years of childhood are the most formative, and she ached for more quality time to spend with her newborn. “Don’t tell me you will hold my baby when she is in a good mood while I stand there loading the dishwasher!” she joked.

Her statements are valid. In many cultures around the world, it’s the village that takes care of the domestic duties while the mother spends quality time with her newborn. If you know a mother who has given birth, you can always offer to take care of a recurring chore.

3. Giving grace is just as important as giving gifts

The new mother in your life is often running in circles. She might forget something you told her lately, or be late to a meetup that the two of you agreed on. Her body and mind are going through a large amount of changes in a short amount of time. In many cases, mothers may also be having a difficult postpartum period without a strong circle. Due to societal or family pressure, she may not be honest about potential postpartum depression, which can last for months after birth.

It’s important to foster sympathy and be understanding when a mother is late, or if she seems a bit distracted while speaking to you. If you can, do a bulk of the research about a place you’d like to meet at. Consider the times of day that the restaurant is busy and crowded, if they have changing stations or high chairs available, and potential allergens in the food.

Check in often. Sometimes all she needs is an ear to listen to her. Enquire if a voice note is convenient for her as she’s running around her living area, or if it’s something that might wake her baby up. Similarly, a text might mean that she has to stop everything that she’s doing to read what you’re saying—or it could be something that she can happily read in peace and quiet. 

Moreover, recognise that she’s still learning about this process everyday. Breastfeeding, exhaustion, and loneliness are just a few of the daily struggles that she endures.

4. Advise with experience and empathy

Advice, although well-intentioned, may not always be welcomed. For example, not every household is able to afford living on a single income. A mother who has had to return to work and place her child in daycare is not sinful. She may be doing so for a variety of reasons besides economical—like socialising and educating her child, finding purpose outside of motherhood, and stimulating her own mental capacities. Approach her with the mindset that she is doing her very best, and that a person’s very best looks different for everyone.

Sharing stories of your own experience with motherhood, or even the birthing process, can be overwhelming for a new mother. While visiting the new baby can be exciting, in many cases, a woman in postpartum is still using this period to recover. Internalise that you are there to help, not to have her host.

Other mothers have shared statements like, “Take care of yourself” as well as “Let me know if you need anything!” are not always helpful. Offering something actionable like folding  laundry, taking the children for an outing, or sending over a meal gift card can be better. And even simpler, “What do you need help with most today? How can I best support you?”

In other cases, product recommendations can be a blessing. Nipple creams, nursing covers, and even lactation cookies were products that many new mothers didn’t know existed. Ask to offer your experience with certain products if you have them, but don’t force them upon her. It’s likely she already has a long list of things to navigate.

5. Know your own capabilities and talents given by Allah

Sometimes we may not be able to act on the promises we made to a mother. Higher studies may become too time-consuming, finances may not be as expected, and your health may take a turn for the worse. In addition to this, a mother’s needs may change over time. Preparing food may no longer be an issue, however, she might wish that she had someone to eat the food with.

While sometimes the simplest acts can be the most helpful in this life and most rewarded in the next, some of us want to give more meaningfully and intentionally. Here’s a helpful guide with aligning your interests to their needs:

• If you’re an avid reader, you could volunteer to read to the child.
• If you’re a retail therapist, research useful gifts you could give.
• If you’re a baker or chef, offer to bring a meal or some desserts over.

For single mothers, having consistent help is especially crucial. In many cases, she has to build a new family on her own.

One mother shared, “I appreciated having family, friends, and community members nearby. Many of the uncles, aunts, and cousins donated old clothes, toys, and other baby needs, so I didn’t have to buy any.”

Sometimes the mother’s needs might change on a day-to-day, week-to-week, or even year-to-year basis. The same baby that you once held at a restaurant may be the same one you play Dungeons and Dragons with. Adapt accordingly and creatively.

In short, you don’t have to be related to a mother in order to support a mother. Everyone can still find a unique role in her village.

As Sarosh Arif says, “Traditionally, Muslim societies understand family in the widest sense possible–one that includes neighbours, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, friends, local shopkeepers–the whole village.”

We see it in literature all the time—that family can be found. Perhaps then, villages can be made and sustained.

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References

1. It Takes a Village to Raise a Mother. Aurora Home Birth Blog.
2. Mehboob, Moniba. Navigating the Modern Maze: Muslim Motherhood in a Changing World. Amaliah.
3. Zaheen, Inayah. Navigating Postpartum and Baby Blues as a New Muslim Mother. Amaliah.
4. Brazier, Yvette. How long does postpartum depression last? MedicalNewsToday.
5. Loewentheil, Hannah. 28 Huge Parenting Surprises That First-Time Moms Wish They’d Been More Prepared For. BuzzFeed.
6. Alkadi, Hannah. Du’as and Dragons: How a Roleplaying Game Taught Me About Parenting. Amaliah.
7. Arif, Sarosh. Parenting Without a Village: 10 Tips for Muslim Families. Amaliah.