We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

---

Salam Aleykoum Aunt Maya, I have a dilemma. I don’t want to share too much information about myself in the courtship process but at the same time I know that if I want to build a relationship that will lead to a healthy marriage we need to know each other well enough. I am afraid to share too much information with someone I will not end up with. How much should we share in the process of knowing someone for marriage? Thank you, may Allah reward you.

Maya Areem Responds:

Asalamu Alaykum,

Thank you for reaching out with your thoughtful question. Navigating the courtship process can indeed be challenging, as it involves balancing openness with privacy. This is an important consideration, especially when seeking a relationship that aligns with your values and leads to a healthy marriage.

It’s natural to have concerns about how much to share, as sharing too little might hinder meaningful connection, while sharing too much too soon can lead to discomfort or vulnerability before you truly know the person. In the initial stages, focus on sharing foundational aspects of your life, such as your values, goals, and basic background. This helps build a mutual understanding and gauge compatibility without revealing too much personal detail.

Allow the relationship to develop naturally by gradually sharing more personal information as trust builds. This incremental approach helps maintain balance and ensures that both parties are comfortable with the level of openness. It’s important to use the courtship period to understand the other person’s values, beliefs, and life goals. This mutual understanding often sets the stage for a deeper connection.

It’s okay to set boundaries around certain personal aspects of your life. You don’t need to reveal everything upfront. If you’re unsure about what to share, consider asking trusted family members or friends who know you well. They can offer valuable perspectives and help you navigate the courtship process. If you are someone who can find themselves oversharing it may be worth asking yourself, what is the purpose of me sharing this particular piece of information or history about myself? 

I would also advise you to trust your gut instincts, sometimes how we feel about a person’s potential reaction tells us more about our compatibility with them than any questions they answer. 

You can also read the following articles to help: 

• 24 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Marriage
• Here Are 53 Questions to Ask Your Potential Spouse
• 24 Questions to Ask Your Potential Spouse About Finances and Money Management
• Signs to Lookout For When a Conversation Goes Downhill

Remember that Allah (SWT) is the best of planners. Trust in the process and in His wisdom and make dua for Allah (SWT) to bless you with a righteous spouse who fills your life with joy and peace. 

رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَٰجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّـٰتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍۢ وَٱجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا

Rabbana hab lana min azwajina wathurriyyatina qurrata aAyunin wajAlna lilmuttaqeena imaman

“Our Lord! Bless us with ˹pious˺ spouses and offspring who will be the joy of our hearts, and make us models for the righteous.” (Surah Al-Furqan 25:74)

May Allah (SWT) reward you for your thoughtful approach to this important decision and grant you clarity, patience, and success in finding a partner who is truly compatible with you.

Love + Duas

Aunt Maya

---

If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.