We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

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Assalam alaikum, “And We have enjoined on man to be dutiful and kind to his parents.” [al-Ahqaf 46:15] What does ihsan to our parents look like, especially when there’s been a lot of emotional loneliness in the relationship? I cannot emotionally rely on my parents, and it almost feels like a one-way relationship. Growing up, my parents were not my emotional support. I thought that when I would grow up that would change, but it did not despite efforts to communicate this (maybe they were not the best efforts). Now that I am older I am grappling with feelings of hurt and sadness about this (and I am trying to accept it and not change it anymore), while also wanting to do my Islamic duty towards my parents. But sometimes I find it hard to be pleasant and kind to them when I am hurting and struggling. I cannot open up to them about my struggles without them adding to my pain. I currently live abroad for work. Because I am abroad I feel guilty as I cannot physically be there to help my parents out, but I also find the distance allows me to process some of the hurt. What are actionable ways for me to maintain my Islamic duties towards my parents despite the emotional distance and pain that is present?

Maya Areem responds:

Asalamu alaykum,

I am sorry to read of your difficult relationship with your parents. It must have been extremely difficult and exhausting to experience feelings of loneliness and emotional neglect while growing up and I am sorry to hear that things have not improved. 

It also sounds like you are in a healthy place of accepting and not trying to change, this can be a huge breakthrough in difficult relationships. 

I understand that showing Ihsan towards parents who are emotionally neglectful and remain distant can be incredibly challenging. Upholding the ties of kinship is of great significance in Islam, and it’s important to remember that your efforts to seek help and maintain this relationship are reward-worthy. Loving family members through difficulty is not easy, but your efforts and striving to fulfil your Islamic duties towards them are ultimately between you and Allah (SWT). When you feel disheartened by the state of your relationship, remember that your efforts are a form of worship to Allah (SWT). This unique perspective means that even if the relationship is strained, in the eyes of Allah (SWT)you are striving and maintaining it to the best of your ability.

Since you cannot rely on your parents emotionally, it’s crucial to take care of your own mental and emotional health. Establishing healthy boundaries, even with your parents, is important. As you said, living away from them is providing you the necessary space for you to heal and reflect. However, I would encourage you to seek help through counselling or therapy whether in person or online. Speaking with a professional can provide you with tools and strategies to cope with your feelings of disappointment and abandonment and improve your emotional wellbeing. InshaAllah, it will help you heal your wounds and move on from your negative thoughts.

Relationships, especially with parents, can be complex and require time to heal. Remember the Prophet’s (ﷺ) advice on patience. Seek to forgive and let go of past hurts where possible. This doesn’t mean forgetting the pain but rather not letting it dictate your actions. This is where a counsellor or therapist can help you understand and accept the way your parents are which can prevent their actions from hurting you any further. 

I understand that you have tried communicating with your parents before without success. Is there anyone you trust in your family and could talk to? Maybe an uncle or aunt who is close to your parents might be able to assist you in understanding the differences and help mediate.

I acknowledge that it can be difficult for you to not feel resentment towards them. The best way to show Ihsan to your parents is to reach out to Allah (SWT) and make regular du’a for them. Pray for their wellbeing, guidance, and for Allah to ease any difficulties between you. The power of du’a cannot be underestimated.

رَّبِّ ٱرْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِى صَغِيرًۭا

Rabbir ham huma kama rabbayani sagheera

“My Lord! Be merciful to them as they raised me when I was young.” (Surah Al-Isra 17:24)

You can also try to maintain regular contact through phone calls or messages. Perhaps you can send them small gifts and thoughtful cards on special occasions. Some of the previous generations have not been shown nor taught how to express care and love. This does not mean that the onus lies on you to take on the burdens of teaching them emotional maturity. However, small gestures may help them learn how to express and reciprocate the love and respect they receive from you. In strained relationships, finding small bits of joy can also help. Depending on the extent of your relationship, this might involve sending a photo to share your joy, asking for a recipe, or sending a small gift instead of making phone calls. These small gestures can help build a bridge, even in a distant relationship.

Ihsan can also be shown through acts of service and helping them live comfortable lives. Try asking them if they need help in making their day to day living easier. Be it regular grocery/food delivery, scheduling their doctors’ appointments for them, maintaining their paperwork/insurances up to date or finding help for any other household needs, you can make sure they have the support they need.

It’s also understandable that being kind to those who have hurt you can be difficult. It’s commendable that you are aware of this and still wish to pursue Ihsan. Sometimes, taking a mental break from family members to recover from the hurt can be beneficial. Processing the hurt without relying on them to apologise or change their behaviour takes time and effort. 

Sometimes a change in how we perceive our elders can help us cope with their shortcomings. It is important to remember that they might have their own trauma from childhood, with patterns based on how they conduct their lives and their difficulties in life which unfortunately might affect the way they treat you. This isn’t to justify their behaviour, it is more a way to help you process it. 

Try to change your perspective and have a more realistic view of them. What do you think makes them behave the way they do? What affects them? Maybe reflect how your grandparents dealt with them? This might help you release a bit of your anxiety and stress. However, whatever the cause may be, you do not deserve the neglect of your parents.

Your family is a strong part of your life, but it’s not the only part. See what else you can do that makes you happy. Start a new hobby, be with your friends more often, and exercise. Doing things that produce “happiness hormones” in your body will help you tackle the stress and sadness you feel around them.

Keep making du’a to Allah (SWT) for strong familial ties that will grant peace to your heart. Sometimes, Allah (SWT) answers our du’as in different ways and sends us people who can be our chosen family. 

Remember, your efforts are seen and valued by Allah (SWT), and every small act of kindness and patience you show is a step towards maintaining the ties of kinship. May Allah (SWT) make your life easier for you, grant you strength, and reward your efforts to maintain Ihsan towards your parents despite the emotional challenges.

Love + Duas,

Aunt Maya

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If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.