We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

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My marriage is in serious trouble. We will be married 20 years this December. We have 6 kids. My husband has never been emotionally available. He’s a great husband in that he provides for us and helps me in all household chores. He’d be another woman’s dream I’m sure. But there’s a gaping festering hole in our marriage where whenever I’ve needed emotional support, it almost repulses him and we end up fighting. He becomes a hard impenetrable wall and ends up saying hurting damaging things. Even if I’m on the floor crying and utterly broken it doesn’t budge him from his stance. He gaslights me and will turn everything I point out to him as the problem as being my own fault. He lives away working in another country and comes home every fortnight. I recently called him, upset because our eldest sons spoke to me disrespectfully and I was feeling hurt. Instead of comforting me, mother of his children who holds up our entire household on my own in his absence, he said I was playing victim and that they’re just kids being kids. He won’t acknowledge or see all the things I do for our family, the wife and mother I strive to be. I don’t want to break up my family and end up on my own without my children, but he refuses to change. He just says I’ve done my best but clearly I’m not the man for you. I asked for a khula out of hurt and anger but really just wanted him to show up for me, to SEE ME, but he’s unwilling. Our situation is so complicated I know I haven’t conveyed it properly. I feel so lost. I wanted to take my life. Feeling so worthless and unloved when I should be honoured as a mother and not have my sons be given free reign to disrespect me. I’ve built my family. I’ve put in the hard work and the love. I do everything for him and them. To be treated so coldly? Do I try to salvage my marriage or cut my losses and move on?

Maya Areem responds:

Asalamu alaykum

Thank you for sharing your deeply personal and painful situation. I really feel for you reading your account of your experiences in your marriage as it sounds difficult and like it has taken a toll on you. It takes tremendous courage to open up about such distressing experiences. It’s clear that you are a devoted wife and mother who has given her all to your family, and it’s heart-wrenching to feel unrecognised and unsupported in return. 

First and foremost, your feelings are valid. It’s understandable to feel hurt and abandoned when your emotional needs are unmet, especially after investing so much of yourself into your marriage and family.

The toll this situation is taking on your mental health is significant. Feeling suicidal is a serious matter, and I urge you to seek professional help immediately. You can find some here: Muslim Mental Health: The Services and Organisations You Can Contact

A counsellor or therapist can provide you with the support and strategies you need to navigate this incredibly difficult time. It seems like you’ve tried to communicate your needs to your husband countless times over the years. However, from what you’ve shared, it sounds like nothing is changing despite your efforts and pleas.

It is important to remember that in order to make a marriage work, both partners need to be committed to creating change and ensuring the marriage is a supportive space for both. A marriage cannot be salvaged by one person’s efforts alone, especially efforts that have caused you such hardship. Twenty years is a long time to feel this way. 

Hurtful and damaging words should never be the norm in any marriage. If your partner is unable to support you or offer united support in parenting challenges, this is a serious issue. It’s important to understand that you won’t be breaking up the family by taking action. Often, the burden falls on the person trying to make things work, rather than the one refusing to address the challenges and work towards creating change.

You mentioned that your husband says he has done his best, and so it sounds like there is little room for repair, change, or a desire to improve the marriage. Make your decision based on the information you have now and the behaviour that you are witnessing now. The question for you then is: if nothing changes, are you okay staying in this marriage?

Consider why you reached out to me and what you wanted to hear. You know your situation and its complexities. If a friend relayed this scenario to you, how would you respond?

You mentioned he might be another woman’s dream, regardless if this is the case or not, this doesn’t justify you enduring difficult behaviours. Think about the kind of environment you want for yourself and your children. If your husband is unwilling to change and the situation remains as such, separating even if for a period of time might be the healthier option that can provide you with protection and wellbeing. You deserve a supportive and loving partnership. Only you can decide what your next step should be as this decision is a deeply personal one and should be made based on what will bring you the most peace and happiness in the long term.

Reach out to friends, family members, or community members who can offer support. You have taken the step to share your experiences with us,  sharing your burden with trusted individuals who can provide emotional relief and practical advice will also go a long way. Reflect on your strengths and achievements as a mother and a person. Recognise the immense value you bring to your family and don’t let anyone diminish your worth. 

I would encourage you to take steps that can ensure that your happiness comes from within. You have to love yourself and stop expecting it from someone who has consistently shown they can’t give what you’re seeking. By finding peace and contentment within yourself, you’ll be in a better position to make decisions that are truly in your best interest and that of your children.

It is also important to establish boundaries, especially regarding how your sons treat you. Have an open and frank discussion with your children about respect and the impact of their behaviour. It is important to remember that children are also impacted by absentee parents which can result in them acting out or adopting attention seeking behaviours. Consider seeking family counselling to address these dynamics, provide positive support to your children and reinforce healthy communication. 

Remember, you are not alone. Your wellbeing and happiness matter immensely, and it’s important to take steps that ensure your emotional and mental health are protected. You deserve to be seen, heard, and valued.

May Allah (SWT) grant you ease and contentment. May He (SWT) enable your children to be respectful, kind and the coolness of your eyes. May Al-Muqallib (Turner of hearts) turn the hearts of the people around you and make it soft and loving towards you. Ameen.

Love + duas,
Aunt Maya

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If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.