We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

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Salaam! I married a guy that I love but am not in love with. In some ways I settled. He’s a great guy but I realised since we grew up in different countries, (my parents are from the same country) there’s a lot of culture differences that make things including communication different. Recently I met a guy who is exactly “my type”. And I wonder if folks who’ve settled ever wish they hadn’t? Or wish that they’d taken the opportunity seemed like a better fit. Is the gamble worth it? Am I being too caught up in the potential?

Maya Areem responds:

Asalamu Alaykum,

Thank you for reaching out with your heartfelt concerns. It takes courage to confront such complex emotions, especially within the context of marriage and cultural differences. Your situation is undoubtedly challenging.

Marriage is a sacred bond, one that encompasses love, compassion, and understanding. However, it’s also recognized that individuals may face trials and uncertainties within their marital journey.

There are two separate issues here, one is you and your husband’s marriage and not feeling in love, and then another is you considering another person as compatible with you.

In regards to your marriage, you mentioned that your husband is a “great guy” whom you love but are not in love. This needs to be addressed between you and your husband. Why not talk to a marriage counsellor on working on these feelings and understanding what “being in love” means to you. It might be that your expectations of marriage and love language are not aligned with your partner’s but through combined therapy sessions and learning effective communication strategies, you both can overcome it.

While navigating these decisions, it’s crucial to reflect deeply on your feelings and intentions. Islam encourages us to seek guidance through istikhara as well as shura (consultation). Take time to introspect and evaluate your current relationship. Are there any aspects of your marriage that can be improved through patience, understanding, and compromise? Have you explored all avenues to bridge the cultural gap and enhance communication with your spouse? I would advise that nothing else should be entertained until you honour trying to make your marriage work and at the very least communicating with your husband about how you feel. 

It’s also vital that we address the issue of entertaining thoughts about another man while being married. Islam emphasises the sanctity of marriage and prohibits engaging in relationships outside of marriage. Consider the perspective of your husband’s rights and the sanctity of your marriage contract. The fact that you are entertaining thoughts about another man while married would undoubtedly be hurtful to him, and your husband should not be viewed as a backup option. Imagine if a friend relayed this story as something her husband was engaging in; it would likely be perceived as a breach of trust and a betrayal of the marital contract.

Regarding the feelings you have for the other person, no matter how closely aligned your preferences and interests might seem, you are still a married woman. It’s essential to approach such attractions with caution and mindfulness. Consider the long-term consequences of acting on these feelings. While the prospect of being with someone who seems more compatible may be tempting, it’s important to weigh the potential impact on your current relationship and your spouse. 

Of course, navigating feelings of “what if” can be particularly challenging, especially when they involve matters as significant as marriage and relationships. One approach to dealing with “what if” scenarios is to engage in thoughtful reflection and introspection. Ask yourself why you are feeling drawn to the idea of an alternative relationship and how can you address and resolve these feelings? 

As Muslims, we are encouraged to place our trust in Allah (SWT)’s wisdom and guidance, even when faced with doubts and uncertainties. Allah (SWT) tells us in the Qur’an,

“Say, ‘Nothing can ever reach us except what Allah has destined for us. He is our Master.’ And in Allah alone the believers must place their trust.” (Surah At-Tawbah 9:51)

Our faith requires absolute belief in the fact that nothing can happen to us except what Allah (SWT) has decreed for us. Therefore, when grappling with feelings of doubt or regret, turning to Allah (SWT) in sincere prayer and seeking His guidance can provide solace and clarity.

It is also important to remember that you can truly never know someone until you live with them. What seems to be “your type” can also be a person with flaws that are hidden from your view right now. These flaws could be your non-negotiables and Allah (SWT) might be saving you from something that is not good for you. 

Remember that Allah (SWT) is Al-Hakeem, the Most Wise, and Al-Aleem, the All-Knowing. Trust in His plan for you, even when it diverges from your own desires or expectations. Surrendering to Allah (SWT)’s will and submitting to His decree can bring peace and contentment, even in the face of uncertainty.

May Allah (SWT) grant you clarity, strength, and guidance as you navigate these challenging emotions, and may He bless you with a marriage filled with love, understanding, and tranquillity. Ameen.

Love + duas,

Aunt Maya

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If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.