We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

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Dear Aunt Maya. My daughter is entering her teens and her behaviour is changing. She has become distanced and withdrawn. She doesn’t want to talk to me, is always texting her friends, is moody or rude when I ask something, always wants to be in her room and refuses to pray when I ask her. This has really distressed me. Did I do something wrong? How can I fix this and reconnect with her?

Maya Areem responds:

Salam Alaykum,

Your worries about your daughter’s changing behaviour is understandable, and it’s essential to address them with care and understanding. Adolescence is a time of significant transformation, both physically and emotionally, and it’s not uncommon for teenagers to become more reserved or distant as they navigate this period of their lives.

Firstly, it’s important to understand that your daughter’s behaviour is not necessarily a reflection of something you’ve done wrong as a parent. Adolescents often go through phases of seeking independence and asserting their identities, which can manifest as withdrawal from family members and increased focus on peer relationships. This is a natural part of their development, albeit a challenging one for parents to navigate. While you bear the brunt of these changes, try not to take it personally. Often mothers are the only safe space for children where they feel they can act out and project their teenage angst onto without any repercussions. Whilst this is frustrating, it is an essential space to set her up for a healthy relationship with each other in the long term, where she feels safe with you as challenges in her life develop. 

Create a safe and non-judgmental space for your daughter to express her feelings and concerns. Show empathy and understanding towards her perspective, even if you don’t necessarily agree with it. Listen to her carefully without criticising her point of view. The key is to talk to her and, more importantly, to listen. There may be something bothering her, or perhaps there isn’t, but either way, it’s crucial to provide a supportive ear. Don’t get angry with what she has to say; instead, listen, think, and then respond calmly.

I know as parents, the urge to solve or fix our children’s problems for them is immense. But it is also important to remember that children, just like us, also need a safe space to vent instead of wanting solutions sometimes. I know it is easier said than done, but giving her space to grow and vent will show her that you respect her autonomy and hopefully decrease her frustration

If you still find yourself struggling, perhaps take an aunt or older cousin she is close to into confidence and ask them to offer her support. Sometimes, children can open up to people they feel might be able to understand them better. 

Plan a day out with her when she’s in a good mood and spend quality time together engaging in activities that she enjoys. This could be anything from going for a walk, cooking together, or simply having a heartfelt conversation. Focus on creating joyous moments and making memories with her that will anchor her in tough times.

As unfortunate as it is, it’s often their age more than anything that contributes to these changes in behaviour. Sometimes when she’s in a strop, you need to let it go. Choose your battles wisely. It’s hard enough to keep control of our own tempers and attitudes; imagine how challenging it can be for a teenager adjusting to life’s changes. Be vulnerable and talk to her openly about how this transition can be hard on you as well. However, let her know clearly that you want to be there for her and support her because you have been through something similar while growing up yourself.  

More importantly, try to lead by example. Embody the values and principles you want your daughter to uphold. Your actions speak louder than words, and she will likely emulate behaviours she sees modelled at home. Show your daughter the beauty of Islam through your own actions. Keep performing your prayers regularly, and demonstrate the values of kindness, patience, and compassion in your daily life. Your daughter will learn a great deal from observing your commitment to Islam. Consider sharing stories from the Quran and Hadith during meal times or when you’re in the car. Relate these stories to real-life situations she may encounter, offering practical guidance on how to apply Islamic values in her own life.

Offer gentle reminders about the significance of salah. If feasible for you, try going to the mosque as a family at prayer times which might help foster her prayer habit as the environment plays a significant role in children’s development. Or involve the whole family and offer jama’ah at home together, encouraging her to join in. You can also sign her up to participate in community activities, such as youth groups, Islamic classes, or volunteering opportunities. Engaging with peers who share her faith can provide her with a sense of belonging and support as she navigates adolescence. Consider providing her with Islamic resources tailored to her age group. This could include books, videos, or online platforms that offer Islamic education in an engaging and relatable format. Learning and practising faith at her age needs to be joyous, enjoyable and social, not instilled by fear only. 

If your daughter’s behaviour continues to cause distress or if you notice concerning signs such as prolonged sadness or withdrawal, consider seeking guidance from a qualified counsellor or therapist. There may be a deeper issue and by creating a safe space she may eventually open up to you about it. Professional support can provide valuable insights and strategies for addressing underlying issues and having any difficult conversations with your daughter

Last but not least, keep making dua for Allah (SWT) to always protect her and guide her to be amongst those who establish salah firmly. Ask for guidance for yourself to be there for her and support her through her journey. One dua from Quran you can make is:

رَبِّ ٱجْعَلْنِى مُقِيمَ ٱلصَّلَوٰةِ وَمِن ذُرِّيَّتِى ۚ رَبَّنَا وَتَقَبَّلْ دُعَآءِ

My Lord, make me steadfast in Salāh, and my offspring as well. And, Our Lord, grant my prayer. (Surah Ibrahim 14:40)

Have sabr (patience) and Insha’Allah things will improve. Remember to express to her how much you love her and how her behaviour hurts and upsets you. Sometimes, we forget that despite their growing independence, they are still children who need to feel loved, secured, and protected.

Building a strong and resilient relationship with your daughter will take time and effort. Be patient with her and with yourself as you navigate this journey together. Keep faith in Allah (SWT)’s guidance and trust that with love, understanding, and perseverance, you can overcome any challenges that come your way. May Allah (SWT) grant you both guidance and ease on this journey. Ameen

Love + Duas,

Aunt Maya

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If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.