We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

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My mum is ageing and I’m concerned about her lack of practice in her deen. It’s something I’ve tried to encourage her with and she gets quite defensive about it, so I leave it as I don’t want to antagonise her. I’m concerned that she isn’t fulfilling her obligations like praying and isn’t trying to move towards a better state.  If anything, as she is getting older I feel she is becoming more lax. What would you advise in how I approach this, as it feels like she is quite set in her ways and I am worried for her.

Maya Areem responds:

Salam Alaykum,

It’s truly commendable that you’re concerned about your mother’s spiritual wellbeing and want to support her in practising her faith. May Allah (SWT) reward you for your intention and make this easy for you both. Allah (SWT) says in the Qur’an,

“And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination.” (Surah Luqman 31:14)

This verse emphasises the importance of showing gratitude and kindness towards parents, recognising the sacrifices they have made for their children. By expressing your concern for your mother’s spiritual wellbeing, you’re fulfilling this duty prescribed by Allah (SWT) which is essential. Here are some suggestions on how to approach this delicate situation:

Firstly, try and understand that change, especially in matters of faith, can be challenging, especially for someone who has been practising a certain way for many years. You might need to approach the situation with immense patience, empathy, and understanding. Ultimately, guidance comes from Allah (SWT), and while you can offer support and encouragement, the journey of faith is a personal one. Approach the situation with love, compassion, and sincerity, trusting in Allah (SWT)’s wisdom and mercy.

Find a suitable time to have an open and honest conversation with your mother. Express your concerns gently and respectfully, emphasising your love and care for her wellbeing. Also reflect on how she has reacted in past conversations and how you could take a different approach. Let her know that your intention is to support her, not to criticise or judge her. It is a tough conversation to have so just be open by saying you want the best for her, which includes her practice as a Muslim. Explain to her gently that you are worried about her, especially with her ageing and you want her to be in a spiritually good place. Tell her emphatically that you are saying this because you love her and want to ensure that she gets the best of endings. 

While you have this conversation, allow her to express her thoughts and feelings about her faith and spiritual practices. Listen attentively without interrupting or dismissing her views. Does she have any health concerns? Does she feel tired or weak and finds it difficult to do wudu? Would it help if you set up a clean salah corner in her room with a washing up bowl and water that might help her pray salah on time and with ease? Understanding her perspective will help you tailor your approach more effectively. Offering support on anything specific can also help provide a solution to any practical barriers to her practising more.

A Muslims, we also believe in the connection between our inward character and outward practices. Our actions are often influenced by the state of our heart so when we work on our inner character, our relationship with Allah (SWT) automatically improves. Reflect on how your mother best responds to guidance in accordance with her personality and nature. For example, some people find inspiration in stories from the Seerah, while others benefit from a more straightforward lecture or the gentle delivery of someone like Mufti Menk. Understanding what your mum may take to in terms of strengthening her relationship with Allah (SWT) and facilitating this for her, may positively impact her and inspire her to work on her practice of prayer. 

You can also show your commitment to your own faith through your actions and behaviours. Lead by example by consistently practising your prayers, reading the Qur’an, and engaging in other acts of worship. Your dedication may inspire your mother to reconsider her own spiritual practices. Consider suggesting praying together, organising a religious event or class at your home when she is around, or even putting on an Islamic lecture while she is present. This might help make it a bonding experience rather than a chore and also make it more congregational and rooted in community which is a core part of our faith.

You can also try and seek guidance from local scholars or respected elders in the community. They may offer insights or guidance on how to approach the situation effectively while respecting your mother’s autonomy and dignity.

Remember that Allah (SWT) is the All-Knowing and the All-Hearing. He is aware of your intentions, your efforts, and your struggles. Turn to Him in supplication, for He is the ultimate source of guidance and mercy. Make abundant du’a, seeking His help and guidance in guiding your mother back to the path of righteousness. Furthermore, engage in plentiful Istighfar for yourself and your loved ones, as it opens the doors of mercy and blessings.

رَبَّنَا اغْفِرْ لِي وَلِوَالِدَيَّ وَلِلْمُؤْمِنِينَ يَوْمَ يَقُومُ الْحِسَاب

Rabbana-ghfirlī wa liwālidayya wa lilmu’minīna yauma yaqūmul-hisāb

“Our Lord! Forgive me, my parents, and the believers on the Day when the judgement will come to pass.” (Surah Ibrahim 14:41)

You can also read this article: Duas for Your Parents From the Qur’an and Sunnah

Always remember the profound significance of honouring and caring for your mother. As the beloved Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) taught us, Paradise lies under the feet of our mothers. (Sunan An-Nasa’i)

Narrated Bahz bin Hakim on his father’s authority from his grandfather (RA):

I asked, “O Allah’s Messenger, to whom should I be kind and dutiful?” He replied, “Your mother.” I asked, “Who comes next?” He replied, “Your mother.” I asked, “Who comes next?” He replied, “Your mother.” I asked, “Who comes next?” He replied, “Your father, then your relatives in order of nearness (of relationship).” (Abu Dawud)

Ultimately, the decision to strengthen one’s faith lies with the individual. Continuously pray for your mother’s guidance and spiritual wellbeing. Ask Allah (SWT) to soften her heart and open her mind to embracing her faith more wholeheartedly. May Allah (SWT) grant you patience, wisdom, and unwavering faith as you navigate this journey with your mother. Ameen

Love & Duas,

Aunt Maya

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If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.