We love producing our podcasts and take pride in the listening experience we’re able to provide for the Amaliah community and beyond, but we want to be able to deliver amazing content for everyone to enjoy!

So, we’ve got down to transcribing all of our episodes for our incredible series, Lights On, With Angelica Lindsey-Ali, so that you’re no longer in the dark…

We’ve brought in our favourite village aunty, community scholar and sex expert, Angelica Lindsey-Ali to answer your questions, concerns and curiosities on all things related to sex, intimacy and body confidence.

In our second episode, we’re asking Angelica about 0rgasms, masturbation, common wedding night myths and how to perform Ghusl.

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*Beginning of Episode* 

Sara: 

“Sex intimacy and female pleasure within the context of Islam. These aren’t all too often talked about subjects in the Muslim community. So we’ve been asking you to send us your questions or concerns on everything related to sex and intimacy, and have them answered by our favourite village aunty, community scholar and sex expert Angelica Lindsey – Ali, so that we’re no longer in the dark…

Sara: 

I’m Sara,

Angelica: 

“And this is Lights On! With me, Angelica Lindsey-Ali.”

Sara: 

“Angelica, the topic of orgasms comes up a lot. What different types of orgasms are there and how do we get them? Can you give us a one-on-one on female anatomy in relation to pleasure?

Angelica: 

Talking about orgasms is probably what put me on the social media map. Because I guess people are not used to women, especially visibly Muslim women, speaking openly about orgasm, but they’re important and they’re awesome and they feel great and there’s so many different routes to female orgasm. In my workshops, I teach a module called Team 15: Routes to Orgasm and I break down 15 different types of orgasms. The great thing is that 14 of these orgasms are featured in Habeeb Akande’s book, Kunyaza. Habeeb is a mentor, he’s a great friend, and extremely knowledgeable brother and his book is available on Amazon. So I suggest you know, couples pick up this book. Every couple that I’ve recommended this book to, every woman that I’ve recommended this book to has absolutely loved it. So you can find 14 of the orgasms there. But, for a more detailed breakdown, let’s pick three of my favourites.

Angelica: 

So my first favourite orgasm since we’re talking about Kunyaza is the Kunyaza orgasm. It’s hard to explain Kunyaza through just talking about it, but basically what it is is stimulation of the G-spot. When you’re stimulating the G-spot, what you’re actually stimulating is something called the Skene’s gland. The Skene’s gland is located above the G-spot. An easy way to locate the G-spot inside of the vaginal cavity is to insert two fingers up to about the second ridge line on the finger and do a “come-hither” motion and what you will feel in the mucosal membranes of the vaginal cavity, you’ll feel an area that feels slightly textured. Not quite rough, but definitely a different texture than the smooth mucous membranes of the vaginal cavity. It’s located about two inches inside the vaginal cavity on the forward facing wall. So I always tell women and men who want to stimulate their female partners, if you were to insert two fingers into a “come-hither” motion, you will feel that textured area. That is the G-spot, and when you stimulate that area using a “come-hither” motion, and use the thumb -so using the two fingers to stimulate the G-spot- you’re using the thumb to stimulate the clitoris, what that can do is that will then cause the Skene’s gland, which is behind the G-spot (you can’t see it, it’s tucked in there), to fill up like a little water balloon and you can actually feel it filling up and it’s filling up with female ejaculate fluid. And if you stimulate the clitoris just right and you stimulate the Skene’s gland just right, you can have a Kunyaza orgasm and Kunyaza orgasms are fun because they are accompanied by a release, a female ejaculate fluid which is a slightly milky, slightly viscous fluid. If you think of urine as being watery and vaginal arousal fluid as being like egg whites, Kunyaza elicits an ejaculate fluid that’s somewhere in between water and egg whites. So it’s not really thick, it’s not really thin, it’s sort of in the middle. You can release as little as two drops or you can release a nice gush of liquid and it’s it’s visually satisfying for men. It’s physically satisfying for women because the orgasm is accompanied by a fluid release.

Angelica: 

Then there’s another favourite which is often overlooked: the breast orgasm. We know that women who have lactated, women who have had children, your breasts are directly connected to the womb. Right after I had my third child, I was surprised that I was experiencing really heavy menstrual cramps when I was starting to breastfeed her. And it was because stimulation of the breasts was leading to shrinkage of the uterus. So it’s really, really important to not overlook the breasts; stimulating the breasts, either manually or orally, is a great route to orgasm. But just the usual nipple play might not be enough to give the intensity of sensation that you might be looking for. So I suggest biting, licking, using ice, flicking, pinching, pulling. And of course, you wouldn’t necessarily go in with those measures, but as arousal intensifies and increases, and if you want more pressure, you can tell your partner and give him, you know, different ideas or ways that he might be able to stimulate your breasts, and that can absolutely lead to orgasm.

Angelica: 

My last favourite orgasm that I’ll talk about is the impact orgasm. Now this one is really sensitive, and it definitely requires an emotionally safe relationship. It requires a level of vulnerability and it requires consent. So an impact orgasm is where the buttocks are hit either with an open hand, or a cat o’ nine tails, or a piece of fabric, a piece of leather…and the intent is not to hurt. So this is not venturing into BDSM territory. It’s BDSM-lite. But what an impact orgasm does is if the hand is cut, so imagine that a woman is on all fours. Or even better if the shoulders are down on the bed and the knees are bent. So you’re sort of creating like a mountain shape with your body, with the buttocks being in the air. If the hand were used to cut right under the fattiest part of the buttocks and hit with a light touch, but you know, enough to provide a tiny bit of a sting, what that does is that excites the 4000 nerve endings that are in the buttocks region. And then if you couple that with the 8000 nerve endings in the clitoris, it reverberates and sends an impact straight through to the vulva area and it can really give a rousing orgasm. I demonstrate this in my women’s only workshops, I always get consent first, and I demonstrate the difference between just spanking on the bottom, because sometimes, you know, your partner might want to spank your bottom. But the difference between that and an actual intentional impact orgasm is very clear. So once I demonstrate it, women you know know that this is a very clear difference. So I like the impact orgasm because it’s a great way to still have sexual pleasure during times when penetrative sex is not allowed, because foreplay, friends, is not Haram! Foreplay is allowed at any time, even when a woman is on her period. So an impact orgasm, a nipple orgasm, these are two types of orgasms that can be achieved, even when regular vaginal, penetrative sex is not possible.

Sara: 

Angelica, what do you do if you find your partner’s sexual preferences distasteful, but they feel that this is the only way they can enjoy sex?

Angelica: 

It’s tricky, right? When your partner has sexual preferences that you find distasteful or you find to be offensive. This can really zap libido, it can really affect your ability to become aroused. Again, like with anything, sex starts with communication. It starts with trust. It starts with openness and vulnerability. And just like your partner can express to you what their sexual preferences are that you find distasteful, you should feel comfortable expressing your level of discomfort with their preferences, perhaps talking about why they find certain things to be arousing, why they find certain acts to be more tantalising than others can get to the root cause and perhaps you can find a happy medium that you both can be pleased with. But I don’t think it is necessary or even possible for you to conform to a distasteful form of sex and have it contribute to a long-lasting, healthy sexual relationship. Sometimes, people develop fetishes or develop tastes, and they are rooted in trauma. So maybe talking about what the source of that trauma is can be helpful. Sometimes it’s overexposure to porn or other sexually explicit material. But again, communicating your needs, communicating your level of discomfort, talking about how it affects the sex life and doing it in a compassionate and authentic way can be a way for both partners to have their needs heard, and met.

Sara: 

This is another submission we had to the sex survey. It goes: “I’ve recently had a baby, and every time I get aroused, my breasts start lactating uncontrollably. I’m constantly paranoid that I will fall pregnant, and I don’t want to go on the pill or use condoms. My fear of getting pregnant is impacting my enjoyment.”

Although lactating during arousal or foreplay is perfectly normal and happens to many women, it is not fun or sexy. I totally understand; I exclusively breastfed all four of my children and experienced the same problem. And let’s be honest, it can take away the mood of the moment, it can sort of dim your arousal. Also, a fear of getting pregnant again can affect your ability to become aroused, it can have a dampening effect on your libido, and pills and other hormonal birth control may not be what you want to use. The good thing is that there are some old fashioned methods like the rhythm method. Also utilising a calendar; there’s a great app called Eve that allows you to track your ovulation, it allows you to track your menstrual cycle and that can really help as a form of natural birth control. But the reality is that as long as you’re afraid to get pregnant, and that’s the foremost thought in your mind anytime you engage in intercourse, that is definitely going to affect your ability to become aroused and to reach orgasm. Remember, orgasm is about 90% mental, especially for women. So you have to investigate why you’re afraid of getting pregnant again? Are you afraid of losing yourself? Are you afraid of having to surrender your body again to the process of pregnancy and lactation? And all of these things are valid concerns. I suggest getting a journal and writing out what your fears are and really processing them and sitting with them. And then when it’s time to have sex with your partner, with your husband, talk to him about it and let him know how you’re feeling because these are very, very real concerns. And I think that if you start to talk about it and process it more with the person that you’re closest to with the person that will be the father of your child, I think that can help to relieve some of the mental and emotional stress that you’re experiencing.

Angelica: 

While the rhythm method and other birth control methods, which rely on the scheduling and monitoring of one’s ovulation and menstrual cycles, this is not a fail safe method of birth control. Although some women have experienced a high level of success, it is still a method, while traditional and highly lauded, it does yield its fair number of pregnancies. So I would advise any woman to seek out the advice of a trusted medical professional, a trusted person who understands reproductive health and discover what may be some more effective routes of birth control if another pregnancy is truly not wanted.

Sara: 

‘Ghusl’ is a special ritual of ablution that happens, for example, after two people have sex or when a woman finishes her period. Angelica, this is a submission we had to the Sex Survey:

Sara: 

“The reality of Ghusl overwhelms me. I’m not married yet, but I’m thinking about it for when I am and for the times that I might want to have sex really regularly, which will happen. I have Afro hair and dreads and I wash it once a week. I know Ghusl is just what we got to do, I’m just wondering if we could get a conversation about what it’s like to do Ghusl regularly, and what that might be like to do with hair that doesn’t support being washed all the time.

Angelica: 

As a Black woman with highly textured hair, I definitely understand the challenge with having to make Ghusl every day or multiple times per week. It can really wreak havoc on our hair. A lot of people are confused about the actual texture of the hair of people of African descent. People tend to think that our hair is very resilient and durable when in actuality, It is very fragile, almost like spun gold. My hair is very fine and I also wear my hair in dreads, or locks as we often call it in the US, and it can be a struggle.

Angelica: 

Honestly, there’s really no easy way to say it, it can definitely be a struggle with wearing your hair in a natural state when you are a Muslim woman and you have to make a full ablution. What I have found though is, in studying Fiqh very carefully and understanding the proper way to make Ghusl, that really changed a lot for me. And the focus should really be on making sure that water is penetrating the scalp, and then the water would run down the length of the hair. I think a lot of us in the West use a lot of water when we make a full ablution, when we make Ghusl, and the reality is that you could literally wash your entire body with what you could fit in a litre bottle of water. So focusing on the scalp, there are three sort of different ways that you can make Ghusl when your hair is naturally textured, where you can still meet the religious requirement and you know frankly speaking, you don’t mess up your hair. One of the ways is to do it the old fashioned way and just put your whole entire head under the shower head or faucet and let your entire scalp and hair become drenched. Obviously that is not ideal. A second way is to take three consecutive palmfuls of water so cupping the water into your palms, and letting it pour from the front of your forehead, and back to the nape of the neck, almost like when we wipe our hands over our head when we’re making wudhu. And the idea there is that the three palmfuls of water will penetrate the scalp and perform the necessary cleansing action. The third option is to wet the fingertips and using the wet fingertips to massage the water into the scalp again, focusing on the scalp because that would be the place from which impurities flow. So those are three different options that you have for making Ghusl. But the aftermath I think is what we worry most about, and when you’re wearing your hair and dreads or locks, the concern is making sure that they don’t become fuzzy. I personally like my hair disrespectfully knotty and rude at times, but our partners may not always like that. So I find that after making Ghusl, spritzing the hair with a rose water and vitamin E oil mix helps to lock in moisture. Also, investing in a good dryer that you could use, a high speed ionic dryer that might only take 10 to 15 minutes to dry the hair, that also helps a lot in preserving the hairstyle preserving the texture. And you can also, in a last ditch effort, and this is something that was sanctioned by my Fiqh teacher: as long as what you have on your head is able to be penetrated by water, you can put a stocking cap over your locs. And as long as the water can penetrate the scalp and cleanse the hair, you can put a stocking cap on top of it when you’re making Ghusl and what that can do is that can help to keep the hairstyle intact, help to keep the hairstyle together. Some people may think that this is drastic or dramatic. But the reality is that when you are a Black woman, or a woman of any colour really, and you have highly textured here, this is a big area of concern, especially if you’re a newly-wed. You want to make sure that you’re looking nice all the time, or even if you’ve been married for a long time. So maybe try some of those tips and that could definitely be something that could ease the stress of the potential of having to make Ghusl multiple times in a week.

Angelica: 

With Ghusl and any form of ablution, even Wudhu, the idea is to use as little water as needed to complete the task of purification. So when we’re talking about Wudhu, a small water bottle that’s about 8oZ (230ml), that’s literally all the water that you would need to make an effective, fully functioning Whudu. With Ghusl, you can think about the ability to wash the entire body: hair down to the feet with about 1L of water. So if you’re talking about washing the scalp, or washing the hair, depending on which method you use, you might use one handful of water, you might use three handfuls of water – it just depends on your level of comfort. Some people, just to make sure that they have covered all possible bases,will use the equivalent of three handfuls of water. But it is quite possible to make sure that the water has fully penetrated the scalp with just the equivalent of one handful of water. So it really just depends on a person’s level of ability, and level of agility when performing Ghusl, but it is not Ghusl and Wudhu, these are not meant to be acts that use an exorbitant amount of water. They are not acts that are meant to be wasteful. That goes against the whole principle of making ablution. The point is to purify, but not to sort of douse yourself in water.

Sara: 

Angelica, you recently mentioned in one of your Instagram stories in response to a question about masturbation, that it is haram. But that there are other ways to achieve orgasm on your own that are not. Could you elaborate on this?

Angelica: 

Masturbation is one of those topics that is just really difficult to talk about in online spaces. It is a really complex issue. There are rulings, there are fatawa out there regarding masturbation, but just like anything in regards to the religion, there’s the black, there’s the white, and there’s the grey. And the reality is that masturbation is considered haram by a majority of the scholars. I don’t make the rules. I didn’t make the plan. I can’t make the justification for that. But what I can offer is the fact that there are other ways to reach orgasm that do not require manual manipulation of the genitals. And one of my favourite ways, it does take a level of mind body awareness, it takes an awareness of what pleases you sensually, and that is the mental orgasm. It is entirely possible, it can be a regular occurrence to experience mind-blowing orgasms without even being in the same room with another person, because orgasms are 90% mental. So developing a picture in your mind, developing sort of a cinema in the brain that connects arousing images, sounds, textures, tastes, things that excite the senses can lead to a mental orgasm. Now that’s something that does require practice, it’s not necessarily something that’s going to be easy to achieve outright. But for women who have become used to masturbation and want to stop, for a variety of reasons, because some women want to stop masturbation, not because of any religious ruling, because the reality is that regardless of whether it is a religious ruling or not, people are still going to engage in activities. But for women who want to stop masturbating, or want to masturbate less, I always recommend mental orgasm. And what that does is it not only can provide eventual pleasure once you’ve mastered the technique, but it also helps you to get a greater fulfilment that you might not find during masturbation. Masturbation is sort of like eating, for some women, it can be like eating a meal that you don’t really want, but you’re eating it just so that you can get the sustenance. There’s no joy, there’s no pleasure in it. But when you combine a mental orgasm with your own personal tastes, your own personal needs, it’s a much more fulfilling experience. And then there’s also kissing orgasms, there’s energy orgasms. Energy orgasms are orgasms that are achieved after exercise. So there are women who do kettlebell exercises, they run marathons, they do weightlifting, and there are women who actually experience orgasm through these really strenuous physical activities and there’s a long reasoning behind that that we probably won’t have time to go into during the podcast. But if you take some time to just look at exercise-induced orgasms, that is a pretty reliable way for a lot of women to achieve orgasm. So masturbation is definitely not the only route to achieve self induced pleasure. I just always recommend that women explore the many different routes to achieving sensual satisfaction.

Sara: 

Do you have to consummate your marriage on your wedding night? How do you prepare with your partner on expectations for your first time?

Angelica: 

There’s a common misconception that every newly-married couple is having mind-blowing fantastic sex on their wedding night. And after talking to dozens of couples just within the last six months, I can tell you that is not always the case. Many couples say that they’re so exhausted from the anticipation and the festivities that they wind up taking a nap that becomes a long night of sleep and they wake up the next morning not having consummated some other couples report feeling nervous or uncomfortable or just deciding to wait it out, waiting until the right moment. And you’ll know when the right moment is to have sex. I always tell couples, especially if both of you are virgins, and you’ve never engaged in sexual intercourse before, it’s good to start off slow. So if you’re not consummating on your wedding night, you are not breaking an Islamic law, it is not haram if you both mutually decide that you do not want to engage in sex on the wedding night. It’s always nice to build up an intimacy and not start from the top, because then everything else is downhill from there. Communicating with your partner what you want, what you expect, what you would like physical intimacy to look like is extremely important, because communication is the foundation for intimacy. Don’t be too hard on yourself; if this is the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with, it’s okay to take your time.

Sara: 

Following on from that, what is the etiquette around turning down your partner who wants to have sex or vice versa?

Angelica: 

It is always difficult to communicate to our partners when we may not be feeling in the mood for sex. Everyone’s libido is different, and a person’s libido can fluctuate depending on the time of the month, depending on external factors. Maybe you’re tired, maybe you’re not feeling well. Those are contextual, and they should absolutely be communicated to your husband in a way so that he knows that you’re not denying him as a person, but your body just may not feel up to it because your body absolutely does have rights over you. But in marriage, both spouses have rights. Women have a right to sex just as men do. There even some scholars that say that women have a greater right in the bedroom than men. But oftentimes, we see men use Ahadeeth that admonish women who do not engage in intercourse and tell them that the angels will curse them until morning. If this is being used in a heavy-handed way, this is absolutely spiritual blackmail. And this is something that the husband should be called out for.

Angelica: 

Communicating to your partner also involves listening and a caring, attentive man is going to listen to both your verbal and non-verbal cues, and not force you into a situation where you feel uncomfortable. It’s important for both spouses to communicate and to also understand what each other’s sexual window is. Some people are more apt to want to have sex at night, some people are more apt to want sex in the morning. These are things that you have to pick up on. Getting to know your partner is very, very important, but when we begin to weaponize the religion in a way that we use it to satisfy our sexual means, that’s very dangerous. We never want to allow our relationships to get to a point where we’re only pointing out our rights. If we’re always talking about our rights, we’re pushing up against boundaries and that can cause a big problem and it can signal a deeper issue that’s there. Because if you’re only talking about “I have a right to sex, I have a right to your body,” where’s the respect? Where’s the compassion? Where’s the love? Where’s the intimacy? That could signal a deeper issue and sex could then be used as a form of power and control. This counts for men and women, so we want to be very, very careful how we communicate our needs. We want to be very careful and make sure that we’re listening empathetically to our partners and we also want to make sure that we are not using the religion in a way that is detrimental to our partnerships.

Sara:

“Hey everyone, thanks for reading this week’s episode of Light’s On! with Angelica Lindsey-Ali on the Amaliah podcast. We’d love to get your feedback about what you liked or took away from this episode, so hit us up at  contribute@amaliah.com. You can also find us on Instagram here and on twitter, here! If you enjoy our episodes and want to support our production, you can click here! Like, share, subscribe and we’ll see you on the next one!”

*End of Episode* 

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