It’s no secret that moving out as a Muslim woman, whether it’s to study, for a job opportunity, or because you want your own space, has always drawn extreme opinions from both ends of the spectrum. As is often the case, the line between culture and religion is blurred when it comes to the issue of single women living alone.

Across various cultures, it’s considered unacceptable for a woman to leave her family home unless it’s for marriage, with individual families taking different stances. For instance, some are willing to accept their daughters moving out to further their education or career, or if they’re living with siblings. In some cases this is also applied to sons, however generally speaking families are far more relaxed when it comes to boys.

Can a Muslim woman live alone according to Islam?

The cultural stance that’s taken can be rooted in the hadith on women travelling alone. Ibn `Abbas (may Allah be pleased with him) narrated that the Prophet ﷺ said, “No woman should travel except with a Mahram, and no man should enter upon her unless a Mahram of hers is present.” (Bukhari)

However, there are a range of jurisprudential differences in travelling without a mahram (some of which are discussed here). Essentially, mainstream opinions in the Hanafi and Hanbali schools of thought maintain that travel without a mahram is not allowed, while the Maliki and Shafi’i schools, as well as several contemporary scholars and institutions, accept the ahadith on travel but deconstruct them based on the wisdom at their core. They argue that the primary concern of the ruling was a woman’s safety, so if the travel that’s intended is safe, there is no need for a mahram.

Furthermore, there are no Islamic laws against a woman living without a mahram in her hometown, but many people overextend the hadith on travel. Or they make the cultural argument that it’s not the ‘done’ thing and will stir community suspicion around the woman’s chastity, and serve as an automatic indication of family dysfunctionality to potential suitors.

A seasoned solo traveller who values her independence, Rubbia, 28, wanted to move out during the pandemic, having never lived alone prior. “There were never any differences between my upbringing and that of my brothers, in terms of wanting to stay in education, being pushed towards marriage, curfews or chores. When I suggested moving out, it was the first time I ever heard my mum say, “What are people going to think?” Not my immediate family, but the wider community has this idea that if a woman wants to live by herself she wants to go through a hoe phase or go clubbing. “No! I just want to make dinner, light a candle, and chill,” she laughs. “No joke, some of the things you hear are like I’m opening a brothel or something.”

Why are Muslim women flying the nest?

My parents, and as it turns out a lot of parents, regularly used the line, “When you’re married and have your own house you can do so and so,” whether it’s about home decor, staying out late, or having your meal prep respected. Despite my parents never really pushing the marriage issue, there was this tacit acceptance that you don’t get to make your own decisions and that your life doesn’t start unless you’re married, and until then it’s their house, their rules.

With increasing numbers of Muslim women remaining single (voluntarily or otherwise) until later on in life than our mothers, and rejecting marriage as the ultimate goal in life, as explored quite eloquently by Imrana Mahmood here – it’s no wonder that Muslim women want to jumpstart their lives without a man.

Having to wait for a husband to live on your own terms, to be able to cook the meals you want, to be able to entertain friends in your own little safe space and to feel like you are taking on adulting, feels like a lot to put on to someone who actually may never turn up, or later than expected. Women are saying no to simply being “in waiting”.

For a lot of women, their first move comes at university, which can help ease parents into the transition of living outside of the home. Anab, 24, initially moved to London to study then stayed for the job opportunities since she felt they were few and far between in the Midlands. Believing that it was a waste of money to rent in the capital and that finding independence from your family was a meaningless pursuit, her parents resisted at first, but over time became more accepting. The financial burden of moving out means that many may put it off, but as heard in a podcast, for some people, living at home means paying rent with your mental health.

Noura, 29, initially moved out for university and to travel, but then she moved back in with her mum during the pandemic. After her living arrangement became that of a multi-generational household in a big family, she moved out again. “I just found it really challenging sometimes, especially being an eldest daughter. There are a lot of responsibilities and expectations that fall on my head and I think that’s experienced by a lot of eldest daughters. I’m not willing to wait around for whether I do or don’t meet the right person and wait to see if it’s in my kismet (fate) as to whether I marry them and eventually move out. I just went through a period of really needing space and needing more control over what’s going on in my life.”

Changing relationships

The most common theme I’ve noticed amongst Muslim women who have moved out, myself included, is that relationships with their families almost always improve as a result – maybe not at first, but eventually.

Rubbia realised the key was to validate her mum’s fears around the move, while still placing a respectful boundary and reassuring her that she wasn’t abandoning the family. “For a lot of people, you have to choose your family or yourself, and I was trying to get across to her that you can have both.” Fortunately, her immediate and extended family were both very supportive, and they noticed a tangible change. “It’s nice not having to think about anyone else and at first I felt very selfish saying that. You know the saying ‘you can’t give from an empty cup’? When you’re dealing with mental health at work all the time and then you come home and can’t just sit with yourself it becomes really exhausting. Everyone’s noticed a difference – it’s made me better in my other family and life roles as well. I think mentally and generally in life I feel happier.”

It took some time but Anab saw a shift in her parent’s attitudes too. “Coming from a collectivist Somali culture, they saw a search for independence as disrespectful. But they really see the benefits of it now; they’re open to talking to family about it, they’re proud of how I’m doing out here, and it’s made us a lot closer. I call my parents to catch up and talk to them at length now in a way I didn’t before.”

Noura has found that since moving out her relationship with her mum has become much more intentional. Rather than being constantly at odds on ideals and routines, “We actually make a conscious effort to do meaningful things together and do things like going for lunches and we have a really good time.” Now, Noura spitballs ideas with her mum on what cushions to buy and which furniture best suits her living room.

Advice on Moving Out

There’s plenty of advice out there for newly married Muslim couples, or non-Muslims moving out for the first time, some of which can be useful. However, there’s a lack of advice that caters to the circumstances and values of single Muslim women, which is why I’ve put together a list of tips to help women navigate this big change.

1. The Hunt (and it really is a hunt)

The first step is to manage your expectations. Finding a flat is hard work, it’s a rat race (often to the bottom) with people elbowing and fighting to put down three months of rent upfront on a tiny box flat with mould in Acton. You probably won’t get the first flat you like or the fifth, but as long as you know that you’ll be fine.

The second step is figuring out your criteria and budget. Do you need to be close to work? Do you need a good WFH space? Separate bathrooms? Do you want to live close to a park? Are you planning on hosting so you need a big living room but can compromise on bedrooms? Do you need a mosque nearby for future taraweeh nights – and most importantly does it have a women’s section? If your budget is limited would you be willing to take the smaller room in a flatshare? What are you willing to compromise on?

The third step is exploring different locations, you don’t want to find the perfect flat in an area you can’t stand and are constantly commuting out of. Google Maps and Streetview are handy for digitally exploring an area, but you’ll never really capture the vibe until you walk there yourself so if this is an option, definitely do it!

Once armed with your budget, criteria, and a few location preferences it’s much easier to find a flatmate(s) that you could be compatible with. Beyond your preferences for your home, it’s useful to have an idea of the kind of expectations you have of people you live with. Do they need to be women? Muslim? Do you want a ‘no boys in the house’ rule? Rules around alcohol or smoking in the house? What are your biggest house-related pet peeves? Dishes in the sink overnight? Regular big gatherings? Guests staying in the shared space? Have some non-negotiables and some things you’re more flexible on and be upfront about them – it’ll help to avoid issues down the line.

Step five which feeds into the budget aspect as well as your criteria for who you’d like to flatshare with, if at all, is figuring out what kind of housing setup you’re after.

If your funds are limited, it’s more convenient to move into an existing flatshare where you may not need to put down a deposit (usually at least one month’s rent if not more). The limitations of this are that you may have less leeway to change things like existing decor, and there may be pre-existing house rules you need to abide by. My experience is limited to London so I can recommend the London Female Muslim Accommodation Network or Spareroom, though you’re much less likely to find Muslim women here if that’s a requirement.

If your budget is more flexible and you already have a person or people you’d like to live with, I’d recommend browsing Rightmove, Zoopla, or estate agents’ websites and turning on notifications for your search criteria.

I was lucky and found my current flat through a tweet so don’t underestimate the power of your networks, both online and offline! If you’re looking for a place or people to move in with, post a quick story, tweet, or message with your requirements and ask friends to share widely.

In any case, you need to act fast! Listings get snapped up very quickly so knowing what you want and having your money readily available is the key.

If I were to put a price tag on moving out in London, I would say on average people are paying £850-£1100 with bills for a flatshare, £1800 for a one-bed with bills, and £1500 for a deposit where applicable. I have heard of people getting ridiculously good deals like £300 for a zone 2 flatshare because the landlords were an elderly couple who’ve paid off their mortgage and used the rent as pocket change (the person did have 3 flatmates to be fair), so keep an eye out!

2. Mindset

Moving out for the first time, whether it’s because you’re itching to build your own place in the world or have to relocate for a job or university can be incredibly daunting. You’ve spent your whole life in one place, or at least around one set of people and when that suddenly changes it can sometimes feel immobilising as you try to figure out a new lifestyle.

Feeling comfortable in your new environment, both at home and in the new location you’ve moved to, is a process that you have to both be patient with and embrace wholeheartedly to reap the most rewards.

Your end goal might be to recreate all the great parts of living with your family without the cons, and inshaAllah you reach that, but you have to embrace the journey to slowly find what you’re comfortable with and not give up at the first hurdle.

3. Build your Systems

A wise person once told me to build systems because it reduces the need for individual effort and allows for things to keep working despite fluctuations in mood, energy levels and circumstances. They were right but I haven’t quite mastered the art of systems yet. Here are some of the things I’ve learned though:

Moving out comes with the huge advantage of being able to structure your day entirely to suit you since there are no expectations, pressure or curfew, but it also has its challenges. You’re solely responsible for yourself and all of your bad decisions, so sure, you can hang out with the girlies until 4 am but is that going to make it hard to get to the pilates class you booked for the next day at 10 am? Probably. The sooner you pick your priorities, find a routine that suits you, and stick to it, the happier you’ll be in the long run.
We all giggle about girl dinners, a name given to the scraps we pull together as a sorry excuse for a full meal, but there are only so many times you can have a packet of crisps, an orange and a Nutella sandwich for dinner before your body starts feeling it. Have a bunch of food in the freezer (cooked or picked up from the frozen aisle at Tesco) on hand always for the tired days, the period days, the ‘I can’t take one more thing’ days, so you’re not eating the equivalent of a 5 year old’s packed lunch or ordering on Uber Eats six times a week.
Motivating yourself can be hard even when it’s for stuff you want to do! There’s no one there to give you a kick up the backside and you might spend the whole day in bed scrolling. Try writing your goals for each day the night before, so you have a rough idea of what your day will look like. Remind yourself what the wider goals you’re working towards are, and set up coworking/studying dates with friends so your day-to-day is less lonely and you have an accountability partner.
Create a cleaning rota with your flatmates, so you know you’re all pulling your weight and you know what’s expected of you that week so you can plan accordingly.
Small daily acts of worship can be the only things that get you through the day and ground you like praying Fajr on time, doing your adhkar, making sure your day is structured around prayer times and resetting your intentions. It can be so easy to go through the motions every day, getting caught up in the busyness of life, forgetting to pray etc., but these small things can help regulate your emotions and structure your day. If you find that you lose track of time, download a prayer times app like Pillars and get in the habit of ticking off each prayer. If you rely on having a scarf or prayer clothes to pray while you’re out, start carrying them with you so you can pray anywhere.

4. Invest in Your Space!

Last year when I moved into a new flat, I had a choice between flying to Italy for a few days or buying some things that would make the flat feel more homey and beautiful to me. I chose the latter and I always think back to that moment and how grateful I am that I did. You can go on trips, spend all day at work, at uni or with friends but the place you’ll always go back to and wake up in, needs to be a place that speaks to your soul or you’ll always be running away. Once you curate a space you’re proud of, having a quiet night in watching your show feels like a blessing, cooking becomes exciting and hosting friends for dinner parties and games nights is an absolute joy!

Don’t be intimidated by the big ticket prices, or feel stifled by what you already have to work with. Investing in your space doesn’t need to break the bank, and the constraints of a semi-furnished flat can force you to get more creative. My current flat has a red sofa leftover from the last tenant that I absolutely despised at first, but after a few nights of trawling on Pinterest I became inspired to make it a focal point of the living room and now every time my friends come over they comment on how much they love it!

I’d recommend going for a furnished or semi-furnished flat as it saves you from racking up large expenses from the onset, or living out the meme of a single mattress in an empty room with a tv in the corner, then personalising with smaller items. There are a few different places where you can source home furnishings that range from unique statement pieces to IKEA basics for less. Facebook Marketplace, Freecycle, Trash Nothing app, TKMaxx, local charity shops and car-boot sales all have a lot to offer. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to immediately have a perfectly curated film studio-esque space! It takes time and effort to see the results of your work, sourcing and buying interesting and beautiful pieces, and that in itself is a lot of fun.

‘An investment into your home is an investment into yourself and happiness’ is the ethos of Instagram creator Medina Grillo, who, over the last nine years, has fully embraced this mindset while sharing her journey of decorating different rentals she’s lived in.

You have a right to create a space that works for you and inspires you, even if you’re ‘only renting.’

Quite frankly given the state of the housing market in the UK, owning a home feels like a pipe dream, so we shouldn’t treat renting like a temporary stopgap before we can live out our Pinterest dreams.

To connect with the entirety of your home and not confine yourself to your bedroom (if this is an option), explore new hobbies and use different spaces to do them. Try your hand at crocheting or embroidery while you’re sitting on the couch, or painting or scrapbooking at the kitchen table.

5. Safety First

One of the greatest pros I’ve experienced since moving out has been being out late, playing a card game over cups of mint tea and knafeh, or having a debrief with my best mate at her flat, and not having my mood instantly killed with four missed calls and ten messages from my mum asking where I am. One of the greatest cons I’ve experienced is the realisation that no one’s waiting up for me to make sure I got home safely.

This tragic fact dawning on me made way for several solutions:

Share your location with your family, flatmates, and friends.
Read your adhkar each morning and night but if you struggle with this, read Surah al-Fatiha, the three Quls and Ayat Al Kursi in the morning and evening, especially if you’re out late and ask Allah ﷻ to protect you while you’re out.
Let people know when you get home so they’re in the habit of hearing from you and know to check in if they don’t get a message.
Once you establish a relationship with friends/flatmates, share each other’s family numbers so that if anything goes wrong (God forbid) you know who to contact for one another.
Check in with flatmates if you haven’t seen them in a couple of days, creating a culture of doing this so you’re looking out for each other.
Play Surah al-Baqarah and Surah Ali Imran when you move in to serve as a protection for your home.

Bonus tip: Keep an extra set of keys with a trusted friend in case you get locked out and there’s no one around to let you back in (I had to learn this the hard way)!

6. Practise Islam Intentionally

Being a passive follower isn’t an option when you move out of your family home. No one is there to remind you to pray, ask if you’ve done your adhkar or answer your fiqh questions. It’s all on you now; take this as an opportunity to learn and grow in your worship. Maybe your parents had the habit of playing the Qur’an out loud but now if you want to hear it, you have to be active and intentional about it. To stay connected to your faith, try incorporating it more into your daily life. Listen to Surah Yasin in the morning while you’re making breakfast or getting ready, or try integrating Surah al-Waqiah and Surah al-Mulk into your nighttime routine.

In the same way that you’re chasing goals or experiences and opportunities in your new location, dedicate time to finding Islamic spaces whether it’s a halaqah (religious circle), going to lectures, attending Jumu’ah, or partaking in collective dhikr circles. Being in these spaces can also help you meet other Muslim women. You can set up regular circles amongst yourselves if they don’t already exist.

7. Say Yes!

Part of moving out and/or moving away means getting to carve out a lifestyle for yourself on your own time, that’s free from the constraints of familial responsibilities, and finding that your world of opportunities grows. Suddenly, you can go to the closing night of the art exhibit you just discovered on Instagram and say yes to the post-halaqah chai hangout without having to field a hundred questions from concerned parents who keep claiming that you treat their house as a hotel. Being in a new city, around new people, can be daunting at first and it’s easy to retreat into your own company. But it becomes a lot less scary when you realise that a lot of people are in the same position as you, or are as open to making new friends. The trick is to be engaged and open and say yes to new experiences! You don’t know who you’ll meet and which connections will lead to even greater things in the future. Do remember, your values and boundaries are important, and being open to new things never means you have to compromise your beliefs.

Moving out is a big adjustment, and to be completely honest – moving houses sucks, so far it’s been my least favourite part of being an adult, followed very closely by having to decide what to cook every day. But having the freedom to design your life, both your physical space and your routines is a delight akin to none. Hopefully, the advice I’ve shared can help you find your footing through this change. As with everything, you can either choose to focus on the challenges, the failures and the homesickness, or you can embrace this new era with open arms. I wish you all the best inshaAllah!

Maria Al Coptia

The Muslim Girlie’s Ultimate Guide to Moving Out