“I made a new friend!” I exclaimed excitedly after we got back from an iftar gathering at our local masjid last Ramadan. And no I am not a 6-year-old telling her mum eagerly of her new best friend she made at the playground who has the same toy as her. On the contrary, I am a 38–soon-to-be 40-year-old Muslim woman living in the suburbs of Toronto, and the recipient of my delicious breaking news was my husband. 

For context, I have lived in three countries, five cities, and seven homes so far. I was born in Pakistan but have relocated countries twice due to various reasons which is why I don’t feel as rooted as I’d like to be. Over the years, I have said goodbye to more friends than I can count.

However, before we begin that particular pity party, I would also be the first to admit that my travels have afforded me the privilege of knowing wonderful people who have enriched my life for the better and whom I definitely would not have met had we not taken those leaps of faith. Most of these friendships happened organically because we were all expats, living away from everything familiar, choosing each other as a family and home away from home. But this also meant that a lot of us had to wrap up our lives every few years to settle in a new place, losing the support of that small but important village that we had painstakingly built.

Even if you have not moved countries, chances are that as soon as you set foot in your late 20s and early 30s, complex systems are set in place whereby it becomes increasingly hard to make time for friends.

As marriage and kids enter the picture, new friendships are formed around nurseries and schools, spoken and unspoken resentment comes up around schedules and availability and expectations, housing and career decisions create scenarios where you see an old best friend once a year, and your core group of friends are relegated to texts and plans that never make it out of group chats. Suddenly you are not meeting new people in similar seasons of life anymore and find yourself feeling lonely.

It has been four years since I moved to Canada. In the early years, I often broke down in front of my husband, admitting that something which once came easily to my extroverted self—talking to new people and making friends—had become so difficult.

However, I am grateful to say that, after what felt like a lifetime, I have found my tribe of incredible women again—women who show up for me, inspire me, support me and aren’t afraid of small inconveniences that often hold back friendships. Loving your friends and being loved by them can enrich your life in ways that sometimes go beyond romantic love.

@bbc ‘When I’m with my friends, I just feel like anything’s possible’ ❤️ #BBCWomansHour #BBCSounds #iPlayer #AimeeLouWood ♬ original sound – BBC

A favourite analogy for friendship (or really, any relationship), is that it’s like a garden; water it and it will flourish; neglect it and it will wither away and die. If you’re inconsistent with tending to it, you will get less than favourable results.

Let’s be honest, how often do we measure the quality of our friendships based on how others make us feel, but forget to ask ourselves if we’re showing up as the kind of friend we’d want in return?

The reality remains: building friendships as an adult is not easy, and maintaining them is even harder. So how do people cut through the noise of their daily chaos and show up? I am blessed to have known women who have shown me what it means to be a good friend and I’d love to share these gems with you. 

1. Make Memories on a Deeper Level 

@emily__james platonic soulmates 🩷 #platonicsoulmates #girlhood #femalefriendship #divinefeminine ♬ Who Wouldve Thought intro – Emily James

Friendships and relationships thrive when you make memories together and actively do things with each other. It’s about moving beyond the trap of the “coffee catchup,” where you simply give each other the lowdown on what’s happening in life, leaving little space for anything deeper or more meaningful.

When you integrate friends into your daily life, that’s when the real magic happens! Here are some ideas to create shared experiences: 

• Working Dates: If you both work remotely, have a quiet “working date” in your living room/ or a favourite cafe and coordinate your break times for some herbal (or verbal!) tea.
• Cleaning Swap: Get together and organise areas of your homes you’ve been putting off forever. For example, they come to help you organise your closets one week, and you go to their house to help organise their pantry the next.
• Fitness Sessions: Attend a Pilates class or other workout class together.
• Meal Prep: Spend a day making freezer meals together to prepare for Ramadan.
• Spend Time in Nature: Go for a hike or explore a local trail together.
• Volunteer: Spend time while working together for a local cause you both care about.
• Make Your Errands Fun: Invite your friend to join you as you run errands, head to the grocery store, the bank, etc and turn them into mini catch-up sessions.
• Share a Goal: Sign up for a 5k or triathlon and train together! It’s a great way to support and motivate each other.
• Travel: This has got to be my favourite one! Whether it’s a short weekend away or a longer trip, take it out of the group chat, shrug that responsibility off your shoulders and go away with your friend. The memories will be unbeatable and the bond unbreakable. 

2. Be Vulnerable and Ask for Help 

@devoncaleyy It made me feel safe and made me realize I feel the same way about my friends and legitimately feel bad if my friends felt like they couldn’t ask me for help #askingforhelp #askingforhelpisokay #askingforhelpdoesntmeanyourweak #askingforhelpishard #dailyreminder #lifelessons #healthyrelationships #friendshipgoals #friendshipgoal ♬ original sound – ilham

No man is an island—and neither are women. Nurturing relationships with openness and asking for help (within reason) can show a softness that makes others feel comfortable enough to share themselves with you.

Ask a friend to water your plants when you’re away, see if you can rideshare if you’re heading in the same direction, ask for advice and maybe also ask if you’re visiting their city and need a place to stay for a couple of days. My friend and I have house-swapped a couple of times when travelling to each other’s cities. Of course, it’s important to be mindful and respectful of boundaries. You know best which friends you can lean on and in what ways.

When my husband needed surgery a couple of years ago, I arranged for a babysitter for the kids but also asked a neighbour if she could check in on them. This superwoman not only spent the whole day with my kids, making it fun for them, but she even filled my fridge with cooked meals and groceries to last us for the next couple of days while I cared for my husband.

3. Communication Is Key

Talk, be vulnerable, and throw in some lighthearted, fun moments too. Friendships ebb and flow—they won’t always be easy, but they are needed. Putting in effort is so important in making and keeping friends. It doesn’t always have to be a grand gesture and can be in the small things. A simple text saying you miss them, a quick phone call to check-in, or even a little message to give them an update all hold meaning. 

Let your friends know what’s happening in your life—the good and the bad. Be real about your schedule, and let them know when you’ve got time to hang out. Being honest about your time constraints is important, and so is telling your friends that you love them, appreciate them and want to stay connected. 

The idea of “low-maintenance friends” is not really sustainable when you want to keep close friends. Real friendships need some effort, even if it’s just the little things. If you want to stay close, keep the communication going. 

4. Be a Professional in Your Personal Life

If you’ve told a friend “I’ll be there if you ever need me,” then keep your word and show up. For example, if your friend is moving, reach out a few weeks before to ask what needs to be done and how you can lend a hand. Add it to the calendar since life can get busy and it’s easy to forget a commitment you made weeks ago. By planning ahead, you avoid double-booking yourself and can show up on the day and time as promised.

@ashleymcgovern_ People show you who they really are in these moments! #noncommittal #friendtoftiendadvice #briajonesbabyshower #briajones ♬ original sound – Ashley McGovern

Similarly, schedule a call with a friend even if it’s just for 10 minutes, and set an alarm for it. Platitudes and promises are nice; however, if you’re saying things without following through then people will slowly stop reaching out to you in their time of need and before long, you’ll find yourself struggling to rely on them too. 

@exoticarabiann🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️♬ original sound – faaaatima

Treat your personal relationships with the same dedication as your professional commitments. Have a strong personal ethic—just like a work ethic. In short, eat those friendship frogs too.

5. Be Team Pick Up a Friend From the Airport

@bitchimspooked

#duet with @Amelia #wlw #smallfavors #smallfavorseconomy #latestagecapitalism #fyp #lovelanguage

♬ original sound – Amelia

Back home, we have an unspoken rule: when someone visits from out of town, we handle the airport pick-ups and drop-offs, take food when someone is unwell or go and sit with someone grieving. We even take on the responsibility of feeding the grieving family and those offering condolences for the first three days. Today, capitalism has turned these simple acts of care, rooted in community, into profitable businesses. Sure, it’s easy to book an Uber and not inconvenience anyone, but isn’t it time we return to the basics of communal care?

When I offer to take a friend to the airport, it’s not just a ride that I’m giving. It’s an offer to ease their mental load—it’s one less thing they have to worry about. They can look up the terminal number on the way to the airport without stress, and we can stop for our favourite coffee, giving us a chance to linger and chat before they leave. I make dua for their safe journey and remind them to make dua for me during their travels. When my friend leaves, she knows that a friendly face, a warm meal and a comforting hug will be waiting for her when she returns. 

Will it be inconvenient for me? Perhaps yes, depending on the time of the flight. But isn’t that exactly what friends are for?

@girlandhercarryon Surprised the bestie at the airport 🥹🥰 #airport #reunions #airports #airportdiaries #friendshipgoals #besties #bestfriendgoals #bestfriend #travelfriends #travelfriendship #friendship ♬ home – sped up + reverb – pearl & fast forward >> & Tazzy

6. Be Supportive 

There will be times when your friends’ decisions won’t make sense to you. In those moments, provide a judgement-free safe space for them to talk to you openly, and offer a sympathetic ear. However, some situations might require honesty—a gentle nudge to help them see when they’re heading down the wrong path. It’s up to you to use your discretion to find that balance.

Celebrate their wins, big and small. Ask if they need to vent or want advice—it can make all the difference. But remember, you’re not their therapist, and they’re not yours. It’s unfair to place that burden on either side. Friends can’t always pull you out of hard times, just as you can’t always carry them through theirs. Sometimes, all we need is to hear that life is hard and that we’re doing a good job. And sometimes, that’s all your friends need to hear, too.

7. Go the Extra Mile

In today’s overwhelming world, it’s easier not to reach out than send that text, easier to text than call and easier to call than visit. But when you hear a friend is going through a hard time, do the harder thing, even if it feels uncomfortable or awkward. Make that visit, offer a hug and bring along some fried chicken. Chances are, the discomfort you feel initially will turn into a bond you’ll cherish forever.

When my cousin, who was like a sister to me, passed away suddenly, I was in a different country and couldn’t travel back. I received many messages and calls but I still remember that one friend who simply showed up. She brought food, sat with me in silence, and didn’t try to fill the void with words. That day I realised how someone’s silent presence can also help you feel better, even in the worst of situations.

8. Romanticise Your Friendships 

@gelseylatonio This is an official petition to romanticize your friendships 🌹 #femalefriendships #friendshiplove #platonicsoulmate #girlhood ♬ original sound – Gelsey

Instead of a vague “let’s meet soon,” reach out to your friend to make a definitive plan. Write them handwritten notes. Call and ask how that important appointment went, join a local class together if you have a shared interest, or offer to pick up a friend who doesn’t drive. Invite them over and make it special by connecting over a candlelight dinner. 

Take a chance and just ask. The worst that can happen is they’ll say no, but the best case? You’ll find your constants—the ones who’ll be there for you, too.

9. Be Confident in Your Friendships and Be Flexible 

Even if you haven’t heard from your friends in a while, don’t assume they don’t like you or have no interest in the friendship. What works for me and my BFF is being secure in the knowledge that when we go radio silent, it’s because we’re working through stuff that needs to be done on our own. For example, both of us live hours away from each other, have work commitments, kids, as well as the responsibility of caring for aging parents. Part of being a good friend means that we are empathetic, understanding, and flexible with our schedule. We still communicate in our own way (read: send memes to each other) but there’s no anger or drama or feeling like we’re ghosting each other if we don’t text every day or see each other regularly. And we know that if either of us needed the other, in any way, we’d be there in a heartbeat. Friendships are all about give and take, try to accommodate your friend’s schedule sometimes and ask them to accommodate yours.

10. Different Folks for Different Strokes

It is important to understand that one person cannot be your everything, nor can someone offer support all the time. It is an unfair expectation that is impossible for one person to fulfill.

Understand that it’s rare to have a friend who is great at every aspect of friendship. 

Sometimes it’s easy to focus on what someone isn’t good at or to idealise those who excel at what you need in the moment. But different people have different strengths: some are fantastic social initiators, others are always available when you need to vent, some are thoughtful gift-givers, and others are terrific at cheering you on as you pursue your dreams. Appreciating what someone does bring to the table, rather than focusing on what they can’t, can help you avoid disappointment later. You might find a kindred soul but she may be in a different phase of life to yours and a little understanding of their situation can go a long way.

11. Pay It Forward 

They say you find out who your “real” friends are during a crisis, but I don’t think that’s true. I think all you find out is which friend is good in that specific kind of crisis. Kindness comes back to you in different forms and unexpected places. I had friends who supported me in one of the toughest moments of my life. Unfortunately, when the time came for me to repay that kindness, we were living miles apart. However, I have carried that love and support with me wherever I have been and offered it to others. When you offer care to someone, know that it will be returned multifold, even if it comes from an entirely different source. After all, all sources of mercy and support are from the One Who is Most Merciful.

Friendship isn’t just about grand gestures or carefully curated moments; it’s about the quiet, unglamorous ways we show up for each other. It’s the unplanned moments—the late-night text when you’re barely holding it together, the impromptu visit when you can’t face the world alone, some chicken soup dropped off at your doorstep when you’re sick, a heartfelt dua you make for a long lost friend, or the early morning airport pick-up when sleep feels like a distant memory. Real friendship, real love, and the bonds of community are often forged in those inconvenient, messy moments. It’s true that these small acts of care and sacrifice can sometimes feel like a burden as they demand effort, presence, and patience. But when life gets hard, overwhelming, or exhausting, you can share it with the people you love, and they can help lighten the load by carrying it with you.

So the next time you are at the grocery store, just call a friend and ask if she needs you to get something for her. Chances are she’ll gratefully say yes and return the favour when she’s out next. And maybe the question isn’t just, “Do I have friends who do this for me?” but also, “Am I willing to do this for them?”

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References:

1. The Secret to Making & Keeping Friends with Dr. Marisa G. Franco
2. Why Adults are Lonely and Need Friends
3. The Problem With Low Maintenance Friendships